John Chapter 3

John Chapter 3

A Pharisee named Nicodemus (hey, wasn’t that the leader in The Rats of Nimh?) who was ruler of the Jews came to JC one night and told him that he was aware that he was a teacher who God had sent. He felt Jesus had proved this with his miracles.

Jesus answers somewhat obscurely, that no one can see the Kingdom of God unless he is born again.

Nic is better than I am, he just rolls with that one and asks how a man can be born when he is old. Is he supposed to crawl back up into his mother’s womb and be born? Eeeewww! It’s gross enough to have a baby come out (at least, I’m imagining… I’ll confirm this fact soon enough).

JC’s like, only a man born of water and of the Spirit (capitalized so we know that this is the Holy Spirit we’re talking about, not just some lame lower spirit) can enter the kingdom of God. Unclear about this, don’t worry Jesus tells us if you’re born of flesh (like say for example, he was) then you are mere flesh, but if you are born of Spirit then you are spirit (I guess that’s why in Mark it was important for him to have the locust eater baptize him). Don’t marvel at what I say, says the son of man, you have to be born again. Yipes, he really likes to drive that point home, no wonder there’s a whole sect of Christianity called “Born Again”. The wind blows where it lists and you hear it’s sound but you don’t know where it comes from of where it’s going, and it is the same with everyone that is born of the Spirit. I’ll take the leap that the Spirit is the wind in this case, not the actual person who is born again, although maybe you don’t know where they come from or where they’re going either.

Nicodemus asked how this is possible?

Jesus in his typical snotty tone asks, aren’t you a master of Israel and YOU don’t know these things? (I emphasized the YOU, the KJ Bible doesn’t).

I think it’s Nic responding when he says that they’ve all told him that they don’t know, but they’ve also testified that they’ve seen it, but Jesus won’t receive their witness. Uh yeah JC, what’s up with that. As far as I can tell Nicodemus is on your side and you’re kind of treating him like a tool, that’s not a great way to win converts.

Jesus answers that he’s told them earthly things and they haven’t believed them so how can he tell them of heavenly things? I think this is JC continuing to talk when he says that no man has gone up to heaven who hasn’t come down. This even includes the son of man (who we recall, once again is JC), who is in heaven. Wait what? How can the son of man be in heaven when he’s the one standing around talking to Nic? Whatever.

Just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, the Son of man must also be lifted up. (Hahaha! Son of man is a serpent now? I thought we liked to use the serpent as a devil metaphor. Just plays into my working theory that the JC of the gospels may well be the antichrist).

Anyone who believes in the son of Man will have eternal life. Yeay! Oh wait, that doesn’t apply to me. Oh well, yeay for those who do believe!

God loves the world so darn much that he gave his only precious son so that the believers would have everlasting life. (Explain to me how that works again). God didn’t send his son into the world to condemn it (that’s just a bonus) but to save it. Well, save some of it, anyway. He goes on more about how belief is key to being saved, etc…

Men love darkness more than light because they’re evil (harken back to the Light of the world metaphor from Chapter 1). If you do evil, you just prove how much you hate light. But those who see the truth come to the light and get judged by God.

After this lovely conversation with Nicodemus, who was probably not real thrilled with those answers, I know I wasn’t, JC and his buddies go to Judea to hang out an baptize some folks.

John was also baptizing people in Aenon near Salim because there was like a ton of water there! (Uh, how much water do you need, I thought these dudes liked to baptize in rivers, what are they afraid they’re going to use it all up). John wasn’t yet cast into prison (spoiler alert, but don’t worry, John the author seems to take for granted that his readers are pretty familiar with this story already).

Some of John’s disciples and the Jews have a question about purifying. They can to him and said, remember that dude that was with you when you were out past Jordan, who you bore witness to and baptized. Well, all men are coming to see him. Uh, I don’t know where the question in their was, or what it has to do with purifying, but that’s what the author wrote.

John tells that that a man receives nothing except what heaven gives him. You all saw me when I told you that I am not the Christ, but and sent before him. (Yeah, like a minute). In case you don’t get it… he that has a bride is the bridegroom (today we just call them groom), but the friend of the groom who stands and hears him is super happy because of the groom’s voice (he must have a fine speaking voice), therefore John the Baptist’s joy is fulfilled. Aw, that’s real sweet. JC must increase while I decrease, says the Baptist. Yup, so true, decrease by one head.

This guy that comes from above, logically is above all. The folks that are of earth are earthly and speak of earth (I like to think I can speak of many things, but earth is one of them… yes). Again, in case you forgot, he that comes from heaven is above everything.

He (presumably JC) testifies about what he has seen and heard, but no man receives his testimony. (I am so confused about this line of thinking). He that has received his testimony (if JC lets him, apparently) has set his seal that God is true. So, what about these people who we’ve run into already who have tried to accept him and have been denied?

Well, this guy that God sent speaks God’s words because God gave him an infinite amount of the Spirit. The Father loved the Son and has given him everything. In case you missed it the first nine hundred times, if you believe in JC you get to live forever (sounds awful to me, but to each their own), if you don’t you get God’s wrath. Nice!

Happy happy book this is. Believe me, don’t question me! But even if you try to believe in me, I might not accept that! Fun.