Philippians Chapter 1
Paul and Timotheus, the servants of good old JC are writing this little mistle to all the saints of JC who are residing in Philippi, with the bishops and the deacons.
Grace be given to y’ll, and peace from God and his boy JC. I think my God every time I think of you (oh Paul, you sweetie!). I always pray joyfully for all of you and for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now. I’m confident that everyone who is performing good works will continue to do so until the day old JC returns.
It’s awesome that I can think of yall like this even as I suffer in my bondage as I defend and confirm the gospel, you all are partaking of my grace. (How lovely of you to say Paulie).
God knows how greatly I long for you all in the bowels of Jesus Christ (er? Eh? Bowels?)
I pray that your love will show in all your knowledge and all your judgments, so that you can approve things that are excellent, and so that you can be sincere and without offence until JC comes back to earth.
You are filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are given by JC, and used in the glory and praise of his dad.
I wish you would understand, brethren, that the things that happened to me are actually furtherance of the gospel. My bonds in Christ are manifest in all the palace and in all places. Many brethren of the Lord have gained more confidence because of my bondage, and can now speak the word more boldly and without fear. (Yeah, that totally sounds likely and makes perfect sense, right?)
Some folks preach about JC because they’re so jealous of me, but some actually do it out of good will. The one that preaches out of contention with me, things that they are adding affliction to my bondage, but the other who does it out of love knows that I am here to defend the gospel.
What then? (Love Paulie’s rhetorical questions. I missed them, when I took a break from translating this garbage). Well, no matter what the reason for preaching about JC, I am happy and rejoice. I know that I will be saved through your prayer and JC’s Spirit.
According to my earnest expectation and hope, I won’t be ashamed, but will be bold, so that Christ can be magnified in my body whether in life or death. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain (say what now?).
If I live then this is the fruit of my labor, but I don’t know what I will choose (Paul… I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think it’s your choice whether you live or die.)
I am stuck between these two things, because I have a desire to die and be with JC which like the most awesome, but to continue living would better fill your needs. Knowing that I don’t care whether I live or die, I know that I shall stay with you to help further your faith and joy. I think that you’ll love JC more if I can come to you again.
Let your conversation be like the gospel of JC, so that whether I am able to see you again or not, I can hear of what you’re up to. Stand in one spirit and with one mind to further the gospel.
Don’t be scared of your enemies no matter what, because then they’ll know that they’re going to be punished, and you’ll know that you’ll be saved by God.
It’s your job not just to believe in JC, but also to suffer for him. I know you’re going through the same struggle I had, so I’m telling you that I struggled the same as you.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ephesians Chapter 6
Ephesians Chapter 6
Kids, obey your parents in the Lord. This is the right thing to do. Honor your mom and dad, which, as you know is the first commandment (except according to the King James Bible when it’s don’t have any gods before me… but whatever, the new testament hasn’t gotten that right once so why should it start now. You would think in the hundreds of years of editing, they could just once fix some of the inconsistency). You’ll be happy if you do this and live a long life on earth.
And, papas, don’t provoke your children to anger. Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Servants, be obedient to your masters according to this world, obey them with fear and trembling in your heart, just as you would Christ. (Brilliant advice… and that’s sarcasm in case it doesn’t translate). Don’t do this just to seem pleasing, but be honest as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart, with good will at your service as to the Lord and not to men.
Know that whatever good thing any man does, he will receive something from god, whether he’s a slave or free.
And you who are masters, do the same things to your servants. Don’t threaten them, know that your Master is in heaven and he won’t respect you.
Finally, brethren, be strong in the Lord and know his might. Put on the whole armor of god so you can stand up to the devil.
We don’t wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principles, powers, and against the rulers of darkness in this world, even against spiritual wickedness in high places.
So, take up the whole armor of God so you can withstand the evil that’s coming, and be sure you have done everything you can to be able to stand.
Stand with your loins girdled in truth and have a breastplace of righteousness, and put shoes of the gospel of peace on your feet. Above all, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to defend yourself against the fiery darts of the wicked. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which also happens to be the word of God.
Pray always with supplication of spirit, and watch with perseverance and supplication for saints.
And for me, I have been given the gift to speak boldly and make the gospel known. I am an ambassador in bonds, but I will speak boldly as I ought to.
But so that you can also know of my affairs and how I’m doing, Tychicus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord will make these things known to you. I have sent him for that purpose and so he can comfort your hearts.
Peace be to the brethren and love with faith from God and JC.
Grace be with all of them that love JC sincerely. Amen.
This was written to the Ephesians from Rome by Tychicus.
(And thus concludes Ephesians. Yet another book finished for me… and I am no closer to understanding why people would ever believe in this madness or what they can possibly get out of it without a tremendous amount of suspending all logic. It becomes less and less interesting as I go on… but go on I will.)
Kids, obey your parents in the Lord. This is the right thing to do. Honor your mom and dad, which, as you know is the first commandment (except according to the King James Bible when it’s don’t have any gods before me… but whatever, the new testament hasn’t gotten that right once so why should it start now. You would think in the hundreds of years of editing, they could just once fix some of the inconsistency). You’ll be happy if you do this and live a long life on earth.
And, papas, don’t provoke your children to anger. Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Servants, be obedient to your masters according to this world, obey them with fear and trembling in your heart, just as you would Christ. (Brilliant advice… and that’s sarcasm in case it doesn’t translate). Don’t do this just to seem pleasing, but be honest as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart, with good will at your service as to the Lord and not to men.
Know that whatever good thing any man does, he will receive something from god, whether he’s a slave or free.
And you who are masters, do the same things to your servants. Don’t threaten them, know that your Master is in heaven and he won’t respect you.
Finally, brethren, be strong in the Lord and know his might. Put on the whole armor of god so you can stand up to the devil.
We don’t wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principles, powers, and against the rulers of darkness in this world, even against spiritual wickedness in high places.
So, take up the whole armor of God so you can withstand the evil that’s coming, and be sure you have done everything you can to be able to stand.
Stand with your loins girdled in truth and have a breastplace of righteousness, and put shoes of the gospel of peace on your feet. Above all, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to defend yourself against the fiery darts of the wicked. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which also happens to be the word of God.
Pray always with supplication of spirit, and watch with perseverance and supplication for saints.
And for me, I have been given the gift to speak boldly and make the gospel known. I am an ambassador in bonds, but I will speak boldly as I ought to.
But so that you can also know of my affairs and how I’m doing, Tychicus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord will make these things known to you. I have sent him for that purpose and so he can comfort your hearts.
Peace be to the brethren and love with faith from God and JC.
Grace be with all of them that love JC sincerely. Amen.
This was written to the Ephesians from Rome by Tychicus.
(And thus concludes Ephesians. Yet another book finished for me… and I am no closer to understanding why people would ever believe in this madness or what they can possibly get out of it without a tremendous amount of suspending all logic. It becomes less and less interesting as I go on… but go on I will.)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ephesians Chapter 5
Ephesians Chapter 5
Act as children would to their father and follow god. Walk in love, just as JC loved us and gave himself to us as and offering and sacrifice to his papa like a sweetsmelling savour (ergh, yeah rotting corpse… delicious).
But don’t fornicate or be unclean (except for not washing your hands, I distinctly recall JC saying it was cool if you didn’t want to wash your hands), or be covetous. Act as the saints do.
Don’t give in to filthiness (unless you count not bathing, because that’s no big thing), or foolish talking (how can I determine if my talk is foolish or not, I wonder. I’ll assume that all of it is), or jesting (what? No jokes! Does that mean my asides are going to have to stop) because none of these things are convenient (I’m not sure that’s really the word he’s looking for. I find filth and foolishness and joking all very convenient. Oops…no more asides!). But rather, you should give thanks.
These things you know: no whoremonger, unclean person, covetous man (covetous women are okay, I guess… damn it! No more asides!), or idolaters will inherit the kingdom of JC and his papa.
Don’t let any man deceive you with vain words! God will punish all his little disobedient children with his wrath! So don’t get mixed up with these folks!
See, you all used to be bad and live in the darkness, but now you walk as little children in the light of good old god. The fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness and truth and therefore proves what is acceptable to the god. (struggling… not… to… comment…. Ergh… okay… moving… on).
Don’t have any friendship with works of darkness, but instead rebuke them! It is shameful even to speak of those things which of done in secret (uh oh, does Paul have some skeletons in his closet… damn it! Silence!).
All nasty little secrets will be brought into the light of day by god. He said, Awake those of you who are sleeping, and arise from the dead. My boy JC is going to give you light.
So, walk circumspectly, don’t be foolish, be wise. Redeem time, because the days are evil. But you are wise is you understand the will of the Lord. Don’t get drunk on wine, that’s excessive. Instead let yourself be filled with the Spirit.
Recite to yourselves psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord. Always give thanks to God in the name of JC.
You should also submit yourselves to one another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you would to God. (Erghhh… I think not my friends. I can’t even stand that any woman who even consider believing in a nonsensical people of trash like this! It is written by some idiot mortal guy who didn’t even know Jesus, and he’s telling your to treat your husband like god. Bullshit! I’m sorry. I call Bullshit! Ugh. Everytime I think this stupid book can’t make me any more angry it manages to do exactly that)! For the husband is head of the wife, just like JC is head of the Church and he is the savior of the body.
Therefore the church is subject to JC, so wives she be subject to their husbands in everything. (Oh, I see, it now makes perfect sense. Wait, why are we subjecting ourselves to someone else’s whims? Have we no minds of our own? Errrrrrrrrr, my blood is boiling. I honestly don’t know that I can make it through the next ten lines of this ridiculous chapter).
Husbands, you should love your wives, just like Christ loved the Church and gave himself to it, so he could sanctify if and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. So he could present to himself a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but it should be holy and without blemish.
Men out to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. (Oh well, as long as he loves me then I have no need to have a will of my own. Sigh. Faint. … Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr).
No man has hated his own flesh (excuse me, you must not get out much. I know plenty of people….), but he nourishes it and cherishes it, even as the Lord does with the Church.
We are members of his holy body, his own flesh, and even his bones. It’s because of this that a man should leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife and the two of them shall be one flesh.
This is a great mystery, but I am authorized to speak concerning Christ and the church.
Nevertheless let every one of you love his wife as himself, and wives, revere your husbands.
(No thanks! I’ll pass on all this bullshit. I prefer to have a nice equal relationship with my husband. Errrr. People listen to this junk? I mean, they actually believe it? I just find that so inconceivable).
Act as children would to their father and follow god. Walk in love, just as JC loved us and gave himself to us as and offering and sacrifice to his papa like a sweetsmelling savour (ergh, yeah rotting corpse… delicious).
But don’t fornicate or be unclean (except for not washing your hands, I distinctly recall JC saying it was cool if you didn’t want to wash your hands), or be covetous. Act as the saints do.
Don’t give in to filthiness (unless you count not bathing, because that’s no big thing), or foolish talking (how can I determine if my talk is foolish or not, I wonder. I’ll assume that all of it is), or jesting (what? No jokes! Does that mean my asides are going to have to stop) because none of these things are convenient (I’m not sure that’s really the word he’s looking for. I find filth and foolishness and joking all very convenient. Oops…no more asides!). But rather, you should give thanks.
These things you know: no whoremonger, unclean person, covetous man (covetous women are okay, I guess… damn it! No more asides!), or idolaters will inherit the kingdom of JC and his papa.
Don’t let any man deceive you with vain words! God will punish all his little disobedient children with his wrath! So don’t get mixed up with these folks!
See, you all used to be bad and live in the darkness, but now you walk as little children in the light of good old god. The fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness and truth and therefore proves what is acceptable to the god. (struggling… not… to… comment…. Ergh… okay… moving… on).
Don’t have any friendship with works of darkness, but instead rebuke them! It is shameful even to speak of those things which of done in secret (uh oh, does Paul have some skeletons in his closet… damn it! Silence!).
All nasty little secrets will be brought into the light of day by god. He said, Awake those of you who are sleeping, and arise from the dead. My boy JC is going to give you light.
So, walk circumspectly, don’t be foolish, be wise. Redeem time, because the days are evil. But you are wise is you understand the will of the Lord. Don’t get drunk on wine, that’s excessive. Instead let yourself be filled with the Spirit.
Recite to yourselves psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord. Always give thanks to God in the name of JC.
You should also submit yourselves to one another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you would to God. (Erghhh… I think not my friends. I can’t even stand that any woman who even consider believing in a nonsensical people of trash like this! It is written by some idiot mortal guy who didn’t even know Jesus, and he’s telling your to treat your husband like god. Bullshit! I’m sorry. I call Bullshit! Ugh. Everytime I think this stupid book can’t make me any more angry it manages to do exactly that)! For the husband is head of the wife, just like JC is head of the Church and he is the savior of the body.
Therefore the church is subject to JC, so wives she be subject to their husbands in everything. (Oh, I see, it now makes perfect sense. Wait, why are we subjecting ourselves to someone else’s whims? Have we no minds of our own? Errrrrrrrrr, my blood is boiling. I honestly don’t know that I can make it through the next ten lines of this ridiculous chapter).
Husbands, you should love your wives, just like Christ loved the Church and gave himself to it, so he could sanctify if and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. So he could present to himself a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but it should be holy and without blemish.
Men out to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. (Oh well, as long as he loves me then I have no need to have a will of my own. Sigh. Faint. … Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr).
No man has hated his own flesh (excuse me, you must not get out much. I know plenty of people….), but he nourishes it and cherishes it, even as the Lord does with the Church.
We are members of his holy body, his own flesh, and even his bones. It’s because of this that a man should leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife and the two of them shall be one flesh.
This is a great mystery, but I am authorized to speak concerning Christ and the church.
Nevertheless let every one of you love his wife as himself, and wives, revere your husbands.
(No thanks! I’ll pass on all this bullshit. I prefer to have a nice equal relationship with my husband. Errrr. People listen to this junk? I mean, they actually believe it? I just find that so inconceivable).
Monday, August 15, 2011
Ephesians Chapter 4
Ephesians Chapter 4
I, the prisoner of the Lord, encourage you to make yourselves worthy of the vocation to which you have been called, with humility and meekness, with longsuffering, and give up one another in love (whoa, is this where we come up with the priests shouldn’t marry nonsense? Just from some stupid letter that Paul wrote? I don’t really think that’s a commandment from God). Try to keep the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.
There is one body and one Spirit, even as you hope for your calling. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God who is Father of everyone. He is above all, and throughout everything, and he’s in all of you (not me, I hope!).
But every one of us is given grace according to Christ’s whim. He said, when he ascended up to heaven that “he led captivity captive” (riddle me this Batman? What’s with all the prisoner talk in this little episode. All of a sudden Paul is a prisoner of God, Jesus is leading captives while in captivity… I think the dude might be losing his mind in prison. I assume he’s in prison as he writes this or he’s just a freak show), and JC gave gifts to men.
Now that he ascended, it only makes sense that he first descended into the lower parts of the earth? (the liquid magma?) He that descended is the same dud who also ascended far above the heavens so he could fill up all the space in the universe.
And he gave some apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and even some pastors and teachers. All these were given so they could help the saints become more perfect for God’s ministry and also for the edification of Christ.
These will all be around until we all come into the unity of the faith and know the Son of God who is a perfect man, and we should know the measure of the stature of the fullness of JC (does that mean his height and weight?)
Then we will no longer be children who are tossed to and fro and carried about with eery wind of doctrine by the men with cunning and craftiness who are lying in wait to deceive us. But we should speak the truth in love, so that we can grow up into him in all things, the head of which is our pal JC.
It is from him that the whole body fits together and gets compacted with joints, and every part works effectively together to increase the body and edify this love.
Therefore I say this, and I testify to the Lord, that from now on Gentiles won’t walk as others, in the vanity of their mind (God hates logic… almost as much as he loves his money… oops, did I say that?), having their understanding darkened, and being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them because of the blindness of their hearts. These folks have moved passed feeling and have given themselves over to lasciviousness to work only on unclean things and with greediness.
But you have not learned enough about Christ. If you’ve heard him and been taught by him as the truth is in Jesus, then you don’t have to worry about the things I was just mentioning, because all that is corrupt and succumbs to deceitful lusts. You can be renewed, you are a new man who acts as God wants and is created in righteousness and true holiness. So, put away your lying, speak only truth to your neighbor, for we’re all members of one another.
Be angry, but don’t sin and don’t let the sun set on your anger. Don’t give the devil a place. Don’t let anyone who steals steal anymore, let him labor, let him work with his hands in something good so that he can have what he needs. Don’t let corrupt communication come out of your mouth, but only speak good things so that you can minister grace to the hearers.
Don’t grieve the holy spirit who you are sealed with until the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking leave you, and also get rid of your malice.
Be kind to one another, be tenderhearted and forgiving, just as God has forgiven you.
I, the prisoner of the Lord, encourage you to make yourselves worthy of the vocation to which you have been called, with humility and meekness, with longsuffering, and give up one another in love (whoa, is this where we come up with the priests shouldn’t marry nonsense? Just from some stupid letter that Paul wrote? I don’t really think that’s a commandment from God). Try to keep the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.
There is one body and one Spirit, even as you hope for your calling. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God who is Father of everyone. He is above all, and throughout everything, and he’s in all of you (not me, I hope!).
But every one of us is given grace according to Christ’s whim. He said, when he ascended up to heaven that “he led captivity captive” (riddle me this Batman? What’s with all the prisoner talk in this little episode. All of a sudden Paul is a prisoner of God, Jesus is leading captives while in captivity… I think the dude might be losing his mind in prison. I assume he’s in prison as he writes this or he’s just a freak show), and JC gave gifts to men.
Now that he ascended, it only makes sense that he first descended into the lower parts of the earth? (the liquid magma?) He that descended is the same dud who also ascended far above the heavens so he could fill up all the space in the universe.
And he gave some apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and even some pastors and teachers. All these were given so they could help the saints become more perfect for God’s ministry and also for the edification of Christ.
These will all be around until we all come into the unity of the faith and know the Son of God who is a perfect man, and we should know the measure of the stature of the fullness of JC (does that mean his height and weight?)
Then we will no longer be children who are tossed to and fro and carried about with eery wind of doctrine by the men with cunning and craftiness who are lying in wait to deceive us. But we should speak the truth in love, so that we can grow up into him in all things, the head of which is our pal JC.
It is from him that the whole body fits together and gets compacted with joints, and every part works effectively together to increase the body and edify this love.
Therefore I say this, and I testify to the Lord, that from now on Gentiles won’t walk as others, in the vanity of their mind (God hates logic… almost as much as he loves his money… oops, did I say that?), having their understanding darkened, and being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them because of the blindness of their hearts. These folks have moved passed feeling and have given themselves over to lasciviousness to work only on unclean things and with greediness.
But you have not learned enough about Christ. If you’ve heard him and been taught by him as the truth is in Jesus, then you don’t have to worry about the things I was just mentioning, because all that is corrupt and succumbs to deceitful lusts. You can be renewed, you are a new man who acts as God wants and is created in righteousness and true holiness. So, put away your lying, speak only truth to your neighbor, for we’re all members of one another.
Be angry, but don’t sin and don’t let the sun set on your anger. Don’t give the devil a place. Don’t let anyone who steals steal anymore, let him labor, let him work with his hands in something good so that he can have what he needs. Don’t let corrupt communication come out of your mouth, but only speak good things so that you can minister grace to the hearers.
Don’t grieve the holy spirit who you are sealed with until the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking leave you, and also get rid of your malice.
Be kind to one another, be tenderhearted and forgiving, just as God has forgiven you.
Ephesians Chapter 3
Ephesians Chapter 3
For this reason, I Paul, the prisoner of JC for you Gentiles (what? What? JC took Paul prisoner? Since when?), if you have heard have heard the dispensation related to God’s grace that was given to me to give to you (yeah, none of these are complete sentences. Sorry. Paul’s grammar is terrible. So terrible in fact that hundreds of translations still can’t improve it). You remember how I am special and received a revelation so I could know God’s mystery, I wrote this before in a few words, so you could read it and know that I have knowledge of the mystery of Christ (lucky Paul, I’ll never understand the mystery of how his dying on the cross does anything for anybody).
In other ages this special mystery wasn’t made known to the sons of men (I suppose these are different from the son of man who is JC, right?), but now it’s been revealed to JC’s holy apostles and other prophets by the Spirit (similar to the Great Pumpkin… oops, is that blaspheming the holy spirit again? Am I going to hell… AGAIN?) . The Gentiles should be heirs to JC along with the Jews. They should be of the same body and partake of JC’s promise through the gospel (which specific gospel was Paul referring to, I wonder).
I was made a minister, by the grace of God and the effectual workings of his power (well, I should hope so. I’d hate to think your almighty was ineffectual).
I am less than the least of the saints, but still grace was given to me so that I could preach among the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ (do you think in this context unsearchable could be translated as illogical? Just curious.)
Also, I am here to make all men see the fellowship of this mystery that from the beginning of the world has been hidden in God who created all things by Jesus Christ (wait, huh? God made the world way before he made JC, right? And doesn’t that line my it seem like JC is more powerful than God. Also, I am curious where this idea of JC, God and the Holy Spirit being one entity came around. I feel like… and I may have to reread… what I’m getting from the bible is that they are three different entities. Eh… who knows? Questions for a future date.)
Now the prinicipalities and powers in heavenly places can be known by the church and so can the great wisdom of God, according to the eternal purpose that he used JC to show us.
It is in JC that we have boldness and can access with confidence faith in him.
I desire that you don’t worry about by tribulations for you, because it’s for your glory. For these reasons I bow my knees to the Father of JC, of whom the whole family in of his glory, that you will be strengthened by the might of his Spirit in your inner being.
Christ will dwell in your hearts if you have faith and are rooted and grounded in love. You might even be able to comprehend like the saints what is the breadth, the length, the depth and the height (of what… don’t know… maybe that’s just a bad edit from the old scribes).
And you’ll know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, so that you can be filled with the fullness of God.
Now we commend until him that is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in all of us.
Unto him is the glory in the church by JC throughout all ages. World without end. Amen
Thanks Paul, very informative. Ugh.
For this reason, I Paul, the prisoner of JC for you Gentiles (what? What? JC took Paul prisoner? Since when?), if you have heard have heard the dispensation related to God’s grace that was given to me to give to you (yeah, none of these are complete sentences. Sorry. Paul’s grammar is terrible. So terrible in fact that hundreds of translations still can’t improve it). You remember how I am special and received a revelation so I could know God’s mystery, I wrote this before in a few words, so you could read it and know that I have knowledge of the mystery of Christ (lucky Paul, I’ll never understand the mystery of how his dying on the cross does anything for anybody).
In other ages this special mystery wasn’t made known to the sons of men (I suppose these are different from the son of man who is JC, right?), but now it’s been revealed to JC’s holy apostles and other prophets by the Spirit (similar to the Great Pumpkin… oops, is that blaspheming the holy spirit again? Am I going to hell… AGAIN?) . The Gentiles should be heirs to JC along with the Jews. They should be of the same body and partake of JC’s promise through the gospel (which specific gospel was Paul referring to, I wonder).
I was made a minister, by the grace of God and the effectual workings of his power (well, I should hope so. I’d hate to think your almighty was ineffectual).
I am less than the least of the saints, but still grace was given to me so that I could preach among the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ (do you think in this context unsearchable could be translated as illogical? Just curious.)
Also, I am here to make all men see the fellowship of this mystery that from the beginning of the world has been hidden in God who created all things by Jesus Christ (wait, huh? God made the world way before he made JC, right? And doesn’t that line my it seem like JC is more powerful than God. Also, I am curious where this idea of JC, God and the Holy Spirit being one entity came around. I feel like… and I may have to reread… what I’m getting from the bible is that they are three different entities. Eh… who knows? Questions for a future date.)
Now the prinicipalities and powers in heavenly places can be known by the church and so can the great wisdom of God, according to the eternal purpose that he used JC to show us.
It is in JC that we have boldness and can access with confidence faith in him.
I desire that you don’t worry about by tribulations for you, because it’s for your glory. For these reasons I bow my knees to the Father of JC, of whom the whole family in of his glory, that you will be strengthened by the might of his Spirit in your inner being.
Christ will dwell in your hearts if you have faith and are rooted and grounded in love. You might even be able to comprehend like the saints what is the breadth, the length, the depth and the height (of what… don’t know… maybe that’s just a bad edit from the old scribes).
And you’ll know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, so that you can be filled with the fullness of God.
Now we commend until him that is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in all of us.
Unto him is the glory in the church by JC throughout all ages. World without end. Amen
Thanks Paul, very informative. Ugh.
Ephesians Chapter 2
Ephesians Chapter 2
And you, who used to be dead and laden with sins and other crimes; in the past you were only concerned with the ways of the world, this is according to “the prince of the power of the air”, the spirit now works in the children of disobedience. This spirit is among us when we all had our conversation in the past about the lusts of the flesh, and fulfilling the desires of the flesh and also the mind. We were by nature, the children of wrath, just as others were.
God is rich is mercy and he has a great love for all of us, even when we were dead in our sins, he has saved us through Christ. And he raised us up together and made us sit in heavenly places with JC.
By grace you are saved through faith and it doesn’t come from you. It comes from God. It is not the works that you do, so don’t brag about that.
We are all creations of God, created in JC for good works that God has ordained before we ever do them.
Now remember, you were once Gentiles who focused on the flesh, but your are called to Uncircumcision (yup, that’s capitalized in the text), by the thing that is called Circumcision “in the flesh made by hands”. Back then, you were without Christ and were aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise. You had no home and were without a God who existed in the world.
Now in JC, you who were sometimes far off are made by his blood. He is our peace, he has made both one, and has broken down the middle the partition that once stood between us. He abolished in his flesh his enmity, even the commandments in the ordinances. He made in himself a new man, making peach so that he could reconcile both to God in body on the cross, having slain any enmity that existed.
He came and preached peace to you who were far off and to those that were near. Through him, we both have access by the Spirit to the Father.
Now you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but citizens with the saints and you are now of the household of God. You are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, JC himself is the chief corner stone. It is in him that the well framed building will grow into a holy temple for the Lord, and it is in him that you are also crafted into this building which is a habitation of God through the Spirit.
And you, who used to be dead and laden with sins and other crimes; in the past you were only concerned with the ways of the world, this is according to “the prince of the power of the air”, the spirit now works in the children of disobedience. This spirit is among us when we all had our conversation in the past about the lusts of the flesh, and fulfilling the desires of the flesh and also the mind. We were by nature, the children of wrath, just as others were.
God is rich is mercy and he has a great love for all of us, even when we were dead in our sins, he has saved us through Christ. And he raised us up together and made us sit in heavenly places with JC.
By grace you are saved through faith and it doesn’t come from you. It comes from God. It is not the works that you do, so don’t brag about that.
We are all creations of God, created in JC for good works that God has ordained before we ever do them.
Now remember, you were once Gentiles who focused on the flesh, but your are called to Uncircumcision (yup, that’s capitalized in the text), by the thing that is called Circumcision “in the flesh made by hands”. Back then, you were without Christ and were aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise. You had no home and were without a God who existed in the world.
Now in JC, you who were sometimes far off are made by his blood. He is our peace, he has made both one, and has broken down the middle the partition that once stood between us. He abolished in his flesh his enmity, even the commandments in the ordinances. He made in himself a new man, making peach so that he could reconcile both to God in body on the cross, having slain any enmity that existed.
He came and preached peace to you who were far off and to those that were near. Through him, we both have access by the Spirit to the Father.
Now you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but citizens with the saints and you are now of the household of God. You are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, JC himself is the chief corner stone. It is in him that the well framed building will grow into a holy temple for the Lord, and it is in him that you are also crafted into this building which is a habitation of God through the Spirit.
Ephesians Chapter 1
Ephesians Chapter 1
Here we go with our best friend Paul.
Paul, an apostle of old JC, is writing a letter to the saints who are at Ephesus, and also to the faithful flocks there:
Grace and peace to all yall from God and JC. Blessed be God who is the daddy of our lord, who blessed us with all the spiritual blessings in heaven.
He chose all of us before the world was founded so that we could be holy and without blame in loving him. He predestined us as the adopted children through JC to himself according to his own will. We should praise and give him glory because he’s accepted us as his beloved.
In JC we have redemption through blood and forgiveness of our sins according to the bounty of his grace. He has given us all kinds of wisdom and prudence. He made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his pleasure, this is why he made himself.
When the right time comes, he’ll gather together all things in Christ, including everything in heaven and everything on earth. In Christ we have also obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the one who works all things and counsels of his own will. We should praise and glory those who first trusted in JC.
Also we should praise all of you who trusted after you heard the word of truth and the gospel of your salvation. After you believed your were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, which is the true inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession. Praise and glory.
After I heard about your faith in JC and your love of all the saints, I couldn’t stop giving thanks for you and I mention you in my prayers. I pray that the God of our lord JC, the Father of glory, will give you the spirit of wisdom and the revelation of knowledge of him. Once you have been enlightened, I hope that you will know what hope exists in his calling, and that you will know the riches of his inheritance in the saints.
I also want you to understand the exceeding greatness of his power to those of us who believe, according to the working of his power which he showed us in JC when he raised him from the dead and set him at his own right hand in heaven.
He is far above all principality, power, might, dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in the next. And he has put all things under his feet and made him head over all things to the church which is his body and the fullness of him that fills in everything.
Here we go with our best friend Paul.
Paul, an apostle of old JC, is writing a letter to the saints who are at Ephesus, and also to the faithful flocks there:
Grace and peace to all yall from God and JC. Blessed be God who is the daddy of our lord, who blessed us with all the spiritual blessings in heaven.
He chose all of us before the world was founded so that we could be holy and without blame in loving him. He predestined us as the adopted children through JC to himself according to his own will. We should praise and give him glory because he’s accepted us as his beloved.
In JC we have redemption through blood and forgiveness of our sins according to the bounty of his grace. He has given us all kinds of wisdom and prudence. He made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his pleasure, this is why he made himself.
When the right time comes, he’ll gather together all things in Christ, including everything in heaven and everything on earth. In Christ we have also obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the one who works all things and counsels of his own will. We should praise and glory those who first trusted in JC.
Also we should praise all of you who trusted after you heard the word of truth and the gospel of your salvation. After you believed your were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, which is the true inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession. Praise and glory.
After I heard about your faith in JC and your love of all the saints, I couldn’t stop giving thanks for you and I mention you in my prayers. I pray that the God of our lord JC, the Father of glory, will give you the spirit of wisdom and the revelation of knowledge of him. Once you have been enlightened, I hope that you will know what hope exists in his calling, and that you will know the riches of his inheritance in the saints.
I also want you to understand the exceeding greatness of his power to those of us who believe, according to the working of his power which he showed us in JC when he raised him from the dead and set him at his own right hand in heaven.
He is far above all principality, power, might, dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in the next. And he has put all things under his feet and made him head over all things to the church which is his body and the fullness of him that fills in everything.
Galatians Chapter 6
Galatians Chapter 6
Brethren, if you are overcome with sin, you who are spiritual will be restored to the spirit of meekness, so consider yourself so that you are not tempted. Bear each other’s burdens, this fulfills Christ’s law.
If a man thinks that he is something when he is really nothing, then he deceives himself. Let every man prove his own work, then he can rejoice in himself and not in another. Every man shall bear his own burden (contrary to what Paul just said? This is really typical of his brand of rhetoric. I’m glad this is the last chapter of Galatians).
Let one who is taught the gospel communicate to the one who teaches in all good things.
Don’t be deceived. God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows is also what he reaps. He that sows his flesh (mixing metaphors again I see) reaps corruption. He that sows the Spirit shall reap from the Spirit eternal life.
Don’t get tired of doing good, because in the right season we will reap as long as we don’t faint first. So, as we have the opportunity, let’s do good to all men, especially those who are faithful like us.
You see how long a letter I’ve written to you with my own hand.
Many others desire to make a fair show for you in the flesh, they want to you to be circumcised because they don’t want to be punished for crucifying JC.
But God forbid that I should glory, except in the cross of our friend JC, by whom the world is crucified to me and I to the world. (I thought his crucifixion saved us, not crucified us… oh well).
In JC neither circumcision nor uncircumcision gives you anything except a new creature. And peace be with those who abide by this rule and upon the Israel of God. From now on, let no man bother me because I bear in my body the marks of JC.
Brethren, the grace of our Lord JC be with your spirit. Amen.
[To the Galatians written from Rome]
The end. Thanks Paul for uh… well… uh… I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to pray to the holy spirit to make any of Paul’s nonsense make sense. God knows no logic will do it. Well on to Ephesians… oh no, it’s more Paul… gross!
Brethren, if you are overcome with sin, you who are spiritual will be restored to the spirit of meekness, so consider yourself so that you are not tempted. Bear each other’s burdens, this fulfills Christ’s law.
If a man thinks that he is something when he is really nothing, then he deceives himself. Let every man prove his own work, then he can rejoice in himself and not in another. Every man shall bear his own burden (contrary to what Paul just said? This is really typical of his brand of rhetoric. I’m glad this is the last chapter of Galatians).
Let one who is taught the gospel communicate to the one who teaches in all good things.
Don’t be deceived. God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows is also what he reaps. He that sows his flesh (mixing metaphors again I see) reaps corruption. He that sows the Spirit shall reap from the Spirit eternal life.
Don’t get tired of doing good, because in the right season we will reap as long as we don’t faint first. So, as we have the opportunity, let’s do good to all men, especially those who are faithful like us.
You see how long a letter I’ve written to you with my own hand.
Many others desire to make a fair show for you in the flesh, they want to you to be circumcised because they don’t want to be punished for crucifying JC.
But God forbid that I should glory, except in the cross of our friend JC, by whom the world is crucified to me and I to the world. (I thought his crucifixion saved us, not crucified us… oh well).
In JC neither circumcision nor uncircumcision gives you anything except a new creature. And peace be with those who abide by this rule and upon the Israel of God. From now on, let no man bother me because I bear in my body the marks of JC.
Brethren, the grace of our Lord JC be with your spirit. Amen.
[To the Galatians written from Rome]
The end. Thanks Paul for uh… well… uh… I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to pray to the holy spirit to make any of Paul’s nonsense make sense. God knows no logic will do it. Well on to Ephesians… oh no, it’s more Paul… gross!
Galatians Chapter 5
Galatians Chapter 5
Stand strong in knowing that Christ has made us free and don’t get caught up again in bondage. Behold, I Paul, say to you, that if you are circumcised then Christ won’t profit you. I testify that every man is circumcised and that he is a debtor to do the whole law.
Christ will have no effect on those who are justified by the law because they are fallen from grace. The rest of us hope for righteousness through faith given to us by the holy Spirit. If you’re with JC then circumcision gets you nothing, neither does uncircumcision. There is only faith which works through love.
You did run well. Who hindered you so that you would not obey the truth? This line of thinking does not come from the one that calls you (in this case presumably he means JC). You only need a little leavening to have an effect on the whole lump.
I have confidence in you through the Lord that you will not be persuaded, but the one who has tried to persuade you will bear his judgment, whoever he is.
And I, brethren… why do I suffer persecution even when I preach circumcision? Then is the offence of the cross ceased.
I wish those that trouble your were cut off. For, brethren, you have been called to liberty; only not fleshly liberty, but liberty to serve one another.
All the law is fulfilled in one word (meaning sentence in this case): “Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself”. But, if you bit and eat one another, take heed not to be consumed.
I’m telling you that if you walk in the Spirit you will not be consumed by lust. Flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh (does that mean the spirit lusts for flesh? Gross.): these are contrary to each other, so you cannot do the things you would.
But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law.
Now the works of the flesh are manifest. They are: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envying, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such. I have told you before and in times past that anyone who does these things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. This is no law against these.
They that follow JC have crucified the flesh with affections and lusts.
If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. We should not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, or envying one another.
Stand strong in knowing that Christ has made us free and don’t get caught up again in bondage. Behold, I Paul, say to you, that if you are circumcised then Christ won’t profit you. I testify that every man is circumcised and that he is a debtor to do the whole law.
Christ will have no effect on those who are justified by the law because they are fallen from grace. The rest of us hope for righteousness through faith given to us by the holy Spirit. If you’re with JC then circumcision gets you nothing, neither does uncircumcision. There is only faith which works through love.
You did run well. Who hindered you so that you would not obey the truth? This line of thinking does not come from the one that calls you (in this case presumably he means JC). You only need a little leavening to have an effect on the whole lump.
I have confidence in you through the Lord that you will not be persuaded, but the one who has tried to persuade you will bear his judgment, whoever he is.
And I, brethren… why do I suffer persecution even when I preach circumcision? Then is the offence of the cross ceased.
I wish those that trouble your were cut off. For, brethren, you have been called to liberty; only not fleshly liberty, but liberty to serve one another.
All the law is fulfilled in one word (meaning sentence in this case): “Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself”. But, if you bit and eat one another, take heed not to be consumed.
I’m telling you that if you walk in the Spirit you will not be consumed by lust. Flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh (does that mean the spirit lusts for flesh? Gross.): these are contrary to each other, so you cannot do the things you would.
But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law.
Now the works of the flesh are manifest. They are: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envying, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such. I have told you before and in times past that anyone who does these things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. This is no law against these.
They that follow JC have crucified the flesh with affections and lusts.
If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. We should not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, or envying one another.
Galatians Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Now I say, that the heir, as long as he’s a child is the same as a servant even though he is the lord of all. But, he’s under tutors and governors until the father says he no longer needs these things.
It’s the same for us, when we were children, we were in bondage under the elements of the world. But, when the time was right, God sent us JC. He was made of a woman, under the law, so that he could redeem all the folks that were under the law so that our sons could be adopted.
And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his son into your hearts to cry “Father”. Now you’re not a servant, but a son (which we recall from several lines ago is the same as a servant… oh wait, but now we’re grown up so it’s all different… what if you’re the son of a servant? Oh, and I won’t even bother with the whole what if you’re a woman deal… that’s just pointless). If you’re a son then you’re and heir through JC (Hooray, she cried tepidly).
How was it then, that when you didn’t even know God, you did service to those who are not by nature gods. But now, after you know God, or rather now that God knows you, how can turn to the weak and beggardly elements? Do you again desire to be in bondage? (I think service to God and mean old JC sounds like pretty crappy bondage, but maybe that’s just me).
You observes days and months and times and years (are times longer than months, I wonder?). I’m afraid of you, because I don’t want to waste my time.
Brethren, I beg you, be like me (Huge pass on that one Paul!), for I am as you are. You haven’t injured me at all. You know that it was through an infirmity of the flesh that I first preached the gospel to you.
Even though I had temptation that was in my flesh, you didn’t despise me or reject me. Instead, you received me as an angel of God even as JC himself (Paul really wishes he was JC… I’m not sure that a little part of him doesn’t believe that he is!)
Where is the blessedness you spoke of? I remind you that, if it was possible, you would have plucked out your own eyes and given them to me. (Gross!)
Am I your enemy because I told you the truth?
They zealously affect you, but it’s not good. They would exclude you so you can’t affect them. But it is good to be zealously affected from good things and not just when I’m with you.
My little children (who doesn’t like being condescended to like that), who I work with until you receive Christ. I want to be present with you now, and to change what I say to you, because now I doubt you.
Tell me that you desire to be under the law, do you not hear the law?
It is written that Abe had two sons, one by the bondmaid and the other by a freewoman. But the son from the bondwoman was born after the flesh, and one from the freewoman was born by promise.
This is an allegory (thanks for letting us know), these are the two covenants: the one from Mt. Sinai engenders bondage which is Agar. This Agar is Mt. Sinai in Arabia and answers to Jerusalem now and is in bondage with her children. (Interesting… what was going on between Jerusalem and Arabia at the time?)
But Jerusalem is free and mother to us all.
For it is written, Rejoice, you who are barren, break forth and cry, you who don’t work, for the desolate has many more children than she who has a husband. (Garble, huh?)
Now we, brethren, are the children of promise, just like Isaac. But back then those who were born after the flesh persecuted those born after the Spirit. It’s still like that now.
Nevertheless, what does the scripture say? Cast out the bondwoman and her son because the bondwoman shall not be heir with the son of the freewoman. (Oh, that’s just fucking awesome. So Abe can screw whoever he wants but he doesn’t have to acknowledge any kids he has with slaves. In fact he just casts them out to the street? That’s fucking nice.)
So then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman, but of the freewoman.
Garble, ergh, yack, yack… blah
Now I say, that the heir, as long as he’s a child is the same as a servant even though he is the lord of all. But, he’s under tutors and governors until the father says he no longer needs these things.
It’s the same for us, when we were children, we were in bondage under the elements of the world. But, when the time was right, God sent us JC. He was made of a woman, under the law, so that he could redeem all the folks that were under the law so that our sons could be adopted.
And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his son into your hearts to cry “Father”. Now you’re not a servant, but a son (which we recall from several lines ago is the same as a servant… oh wait, but now we’re grown up so it’s all different… what if you’re the son of a servant? Oh, and I won’t even bother with the whole what if you’re a woman deal… that’s just pointless). If you’re a son then you’re and heir through JC (Hooray, she cried tepidly).
How was it then, that when you didn’t even know God, you did service to those who are not by nature gods. But now, after you know God, or rather now that God knows you, how can turn to the weak and beggardly elements? Do you again desire to be in bondage? (I think service to God and mean old JC sounds like pretty crappy bondage, but maybe that’s just me).
You observes days and months and times and years (are times longer than months, I wonder?). I’m afraid of you, because I don’t want to waste my time.
Brethren, I beg you, be like me (Huge pass on that one Paul!), for I am as you are. You haven’t injured me at all. You know that it was through an infirmity of the flesh that I first preached the gospel to you.
Even though I had temptation that was in my flesh, you didn’t despise me or reject me. Instead, you received me as an angel of God even as JC himself (Paul really wishes he was JC… I’m not sure that a little part of him doesn’t believe that he is!)
Where is the blessedness you spoke of? I remind you that, if it was possible, you would have plucked out your own eyes and given them to me. (Gross!)
Am I your enemy because I told you the truth?
They zealously affect you, but it’s not good. They would exclude you so you can’t affect them. But it is good to be zealously affected from good things and not just when I’m with you.
My little children (who doesn’t like being condescended to like that), who I work with until you receive Christ. I want to be present with you now, and to change what I say to you, because now I doubt you.
Tell me that you desire to be under the law, do you not hear the law?
It is written that Abe had two sons, one by the bondmaid and the other by a freewoman. But the son from the bondwoman was born after the flesh, and one from the freewoman was born by promise.
This is an allegory (thanks for letting us know), these are the two covenants: the one from Mt. Sinai engenders bondage which is Agar. This Agar is Mt. Sinai in Arabia and answers to Jerusalem now and is in bondage with her children. (Interesting… what was going on between Jerusalem and Arabia at the time?)
But Jerusalem is free and mother to us all.
For it is written, Rejoice, you who are barren, break forth and cry, you who don’t work, for the desolate has many more children than she who has a husband. (Garble, huh?)
Now we, brethren, are the children of promise, just like Isaac. But back then those who were born after the flesh persecuted those born after the Spirit. It’s still like that now.
Nevertheless, what does the scripture say? Cast out the bondwoman and her son because the bondwoman shall not be heir with the son of the freewoman. (Oh, that’s just fucking awesome. So Abe can screw whoever he wants but he doesn’t have to acknowledge any kids he has with slaves. In fact he just casts them out to the street? That’s fucking nice.)
So then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman, but of the freewoman.
Garble, ergh, yack, yack… blah
Galatians Chapter 3
Galatians Chapter 3
O foolish Galatians, who bewitched you so that you do not obey the truth, even though JC was crucified before your eyes? I want to know, did you receive the Spirit through works of law or by hearing of faith? (FYI Galatians, there’s a right answer to that question according to our friend Paulie and it ain’t law!)
Are you so fooling that you think that because you’ve begun in the Spirit you are now made perfect in your own flesh? Have you suffered so many things for no reason? If it is still for no reason.
The person that ministers to you the Spirit works miracles among you, does he do it by the works of the law or by faith?
Abraham believed in God and that made him righteous. Now you can know that anyone that has faith is the same as a child of Abraham. See, lots of the people who continue to function under only the law are actually under a curse (a curse? You don’t say… and who put this curse on them. Our benevolent and loving God? What a sweetie!) It is written (I really need to do some research to find out where all the these things are written. It seems like the bible really needs to come with some appendices and supplementary reading): “Cursed [is] every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.” Okay, my stab at translation here is… Everyone who does not continue to do everything that is written in the book of the law is curse. (Ergh? Um, isn’t that directly the opposite of what Paul has been saying or am I just really stupid?)
However, no man is justified by the law in God’s eyes. That’s evident. The just live by faith alone. And the law is not of faith, but the man that follows the law will also live in them. (Are we following the damn laws or aren’t we? And are the laws the Ten Commandments that Moses gives us in the Old Testament… the one’s that no one in the New Testament seems to know about?)
Christ redeemed us from the curse of law, by becoming a curse for us (ummm… we’ve supposed to worship a curse now?): for it is written that every one who hangs on a tree is cursed. (Ahhhh, a debate begins again about how Christ was actually crucified… was it a tree, was it a cross? Who knows? As Joseph Campbell might say… who cares? By turning myths into literalism you take away their magic and their real power. You end up left with a story full of logic gaps and limited ascertainable morals. Sorry, that’s rant for another time).
This all happened so that the Abraham’s blessing could come to the Gentiles through JC (who, just a reminder for those of you who may have skipped through the gospel, are the people Jesus could not have cared any less about. FYI), so that we (Paul, last I checked there is no “we” there. You are not a Gentile, you are a Jew) can receive the promise of the Spirit through our faith.
Brethren, I speak in the manner of human beings, even though it’s only a man’s covenant, but if it’s confirmed then no man and negate it or add to it.
Now promises were made to Abe and his seeds. He didn’t say, And to seeds (meaning many), but to his seed (meaning one) who is Jesus.
Here’s what I have to say… the covenant that was confirmed four hundred and thirty years before God and Christ did their whole thing, cannot negate the promise he previously made.
If the inheritance is from the law, then it isn’t a promise . But, God gave it to Abraham by promise.
Why serve the law then? It was added because of all the transgressions until JC could come because he was really the one who a promise was made to. It was ordained by angels in the hand of mediator. (Say what? Is this flying in the face of what the gospels say JC said? I seem to remember JC telling a kid that he needed to obey all the laws and have faith in him and give up all his worldly possessions. I don’t know that Paul and JC are really on the same page… and that’s not so good for this whole idea that this book is somehow infallible).
Were you just wondering, like me, who the hell this mediator was? A mediator is not a mediator of one, but God is one. Clear as mud, as usual.
Does the law go against the promises of God? (Ergh, I thought the law WAS God’s promise… gee, somehow I must have gotten lost. I know it seems impossible. This writing is so clear and concise) God forbid. If there had been a law given that could have given life then righteousness should have been the law. But the scripture concluded that all things are under sin, so the promise is now given to those who have faith and believe in good old JC.
Before faith came we were all kept under the law and shut off from the faith that would eventually be revealed (sounds like a really crappy plan from an omnipotent God. Why would he deliberately “imprison” people who he then wanted to set free. I think God might have better luck with getting his people to do what he wants if he was clearer about who he was and why he wanted it. I have a cat who I am like a God to, and I have to be very clear with her about my expectations. I admit she’s still bad sometimes, but I don’t go around punishing her with death and suffering. I understand that she doesn’t understand everything I want from her, so I try to be patient and constantly let her know what I expect. Maybe God should treat us more like I treat my cat. Just a thought). You see the law was like a teacher to us that brought us to JC so we could find faith. But after we get faith, we’d don’t need a teacher their any more.
You are all the children of God through your faith in JC. Anyone who has been baptized in Christ have put him on (like a coat, I guess).
There isn’t a Jew or a Greek, either enslaved or free, male or female because you are all one in Jesus Christ (you know, except that some of you have more rights than others… but otherwise, you’re all the same… oh and God loves some of you more and some of you less… but essentially it’s the same things. Hmmm, I hope you can read my sarcasm).
If you are Christ’s buddy, then you’re like a child of Abraham and you are his heir according to the promise. (From what I’ve read in the Old and New Testament so far… that is just a plain lie. Interesting.)
O foolish Galatians, who bewitched you so that you do not obey the truth, even though JC was crucified before your eyes? I want to know, did you receive the Spirit through works of law or by hearing of faith? (FYI Galatians, there’s a right answer to that question according to our friend Paulie and it ain’t law!)
Are you so fooling that you think that because you’ve begun in the Spirit you are now made perfect in your own flesh? Have you suffered so many things for no reason? If it is still for no reason.
The person that ministers to you the Spirit works miracles among you, does he do it by the works of the law or by faith?
Abraham believed in God and that made him righteous. Now you can know that anyone that has faith is the same as a child of Abraham. See, lots of the people who continue to function under only the law are actually under a curse (a curse? You don’t say… and who put this curse on them. Our benevolent and loving God? What a sweetie!) It is written (I really need to do some research to find out where all the these things are written. It seems like the bible really needs to come with some appendices and supplementary reading): “Cursed [is] every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.” Okay, my stab at translation here is… Everyone who does not continue to do everything that is written in the book of the law is curse. (Ergh? Um, isn’t that directly the opposite of what Paul has been saying or am I just really stupid?)
However, no man is justified by the law in God’s eyes. That’s evident. The just live by faith alone. And the law is not of faith, but the man that follows the law will also live in them. (Are we following the damn laws or aren’t we? And are the laws the Ten Commandments that Moses gives us in the Old Testament… the one’s that no one in the New Testament seems to know about?)
Christ redeemed us from the curse of law, by becoming a curse for us (ummm… we’ve supposed to worship a curse now?): for it is written that every one who hangs on a tree is cursed. (Ahhhh, a debate begins again about how Christ was actually crucified… was it a tree, was it a cross? Who knows? As Joseph Campbell might say… who cares? By turning myths into literalism you take away their magic and their real power. You end up left with a story full of logic gaps and limited ascertainable morals. Sorry, that’s rant for another time).
This all happened so that the Abraham’s blessing could come to the Gentiles through JC (who, just a reminder for those of you who may have skipped through the gospel, are the people Jesus could not have cared any less about. FYI), so that we (Paul, last I checked there is no “we” there. You are not a Gentile, you are a Jew) can receive the promise of the Spirit through our faith.
Brethren, I speak in the manner of human beings, even though it’s only a man’s covenant, but if it’s confirmed then no man and negate it or add to it.
Now promises were made to Abe and his seeds. He didn’t say, And to seeds (meaning many), but to his seed (meaning one) who is Jesus.
Here’s what I have to say… the covenant that was confirmed four hundred and thirty years before God and Christ did their whole thing, cannot negate the promise he previously made.
If the inheritance is from the law, then it isn’t a promise . But, God gave it to Abraham by promise.
Why serve the law then? It was added because of all the transgressions until JC could come because he was really the one who a promise was made to. It was ordained by angels in the hand of mediator. (Say what? Is this flying in the face of what the gospels say JC said? I seem to remember JC telling a kid that he needed to obey all the laws and have faith in him and give up all his worldly possessions. I don’t know that Paul and JC are really on the same page… and that’s not so good for this whole idea that this book is somehow infallible).
Were you just wondering, like me, who the hell this mediator was? A mediator is not a mediator of one, but God is one. Clear as mud, as usual.
Does the law go against the promises of God? (Ergh, I thought the law WAS God’s promise… gee, somehow I must have gotten lost. I know it seems impossible. This writing is so clear and concise) God forbid. If there had been a law given that could have given life then righteousness should have been the law. But the scripture concluded that all things are under sin, so the promise is now given to those who have faith and believe in good old JC.
Before faith came we were all kept under the law and shut off from the faith that would eventually be revealed (sounds like a really crappy plan from an omnipotent God. Why would he deliberately “imprison” people who he then wanted to set free. I think God might have better luck with getting his people to do what he wants if he was clearer about who he was and why he wanted it. I have a cat who I am like a God to, and I have to be very clear with her about my expectations. I admit she’s still bad sometimes, but I don’t go around punishing her with death and suffering. I understand that she doesn’t understand everything I want from her, so I try to be patient and constantly let her know what I expect. Maybe God should treat us more like I treat my cat. Just a thought). You see the law was like a teacher to us that brought us to JC so we could find faith. But after we get faith, we’d don’t need a teacher their any more.
You are all the children of God through your faith in JC. Anyone who has been baptized in Christ have put him on (like a coat, I guess).
There isn’t a Jew or a Greek, either enslaved or free, male or female because you are all one in Jesus Christ (you know, except that some of you have more rights than others… but otherwise, you’re all the same… oh and God loves some of you more and some of you less… but essentially it’s the same things. Hmmm, I hope you can read my sarcasm).
If you are Christ’s buddy, then you’re like a child of Abraham and you are his heir according to the promise. (From what I’ve read in the Old and New Testament so far… that is just a plain lie. Interesting.)
Galatians Chapter 2
Galatians Chapter Two
Then fourteen years later I went to Jerusalem with Barnabas and Titus. I went there because of my revelation and spoke to them about the gospel that I preach to the Gentiles, but I spoke privately only to the well known folks, because I didn’t want to have any run ins.
Titus, who I mentioned was with me, was a Greek and therefore uncircumcised. Some people pretended to be our friends but really they were just coming to spy on the wonderful liberty we get from JC and so they could bring us into bondage. Maybe it’s just me… but do these seem like random disjointed thoughts to you?
But of everyone who seemed to be somewhat, (whatever they were didn’t matter to me, God doesn’t accept any man… eh? Come again with that one friend?) those who seemed to be somewhat in conference didn’t add anything to me.
On the contrary, when they saw the gospel on uncircumcision was committed to me, just as the gospel of circumcision was committed to Peter (you see, what was effected through Peter’s apostleship for the circumcised was the same thing that I brought to the uncircumcised), and when James, Cephas, and John who seemed to be pillars understood that grace was given to me, they gave me Barnabas who was the right hand of fellowship so we could go preach to the heathen and they could go preach to the circumcised.
They just wanted us to remember the poor and that’s what I wanted to do too! But when Peter came to Antioch I opposed him straight to his face because he was so in the wrong! Before all that certain people were sent by James, and he (no one knows who this “he” is, one translation says it’s Cephas, but it’s impossible to tell) did eat with the Gentiles, but when James’ men were around he hid because he feared the circumcised folks.
Other Jews were in agreement with Peter and they even poor Barnabas astray.
But, when I saw that they were not living up to the true gospel, I told Peter, in front of everyone: If you, being a Jew, live like the Gentiles and not as a Jew, then why do you force the Gentiles to live like Jews? We who are naturally Jewish (it’s like having naturally curly hair!), and not Gentile sinners, know that a man isn’t justified by works but by faith in our buddy JC. Even we believe in JC so we can be saved, not by the law, because no man is saved by the works of the law.
However, if, while we try to be saved by Christ, we are also found sinners, is Christ a minister of sin? God forbid. (Oh heavens, for a split second I thought Paulie had escaped his favorite answer to his own nonsensical rhetorical questions).
If I build the things that I have destroyed, then I am a transgressor. Through the law I am dead to the law so that I can live in God.
I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, but not me, rather JC himself lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh I live only by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.
I do not frustrate the grace of god. If righteousness comes by law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Then fourteen years later I went to Jerusalem with Barnabas and Titus. I went there because of my revelation and spoke to them about the gospel that I preach to the Gentiles, but I spoke privately only to the well known folks, because I didn’t want to have any run ins.
Titus, who I mentioned was with me, was a Greek and therefore uncircumcised. Some people pretended to be our friends but really they were just coming to spy on the wonderful liberty we get from JC and so they could bring us into bondage. Maybe it’s just me… but do these seem like random disjointed thoughts to you?
But of everyone who seemed to be somewhat, (whatever they were didn’t matter to me, God doesn’t accept any man… eh? Come again with that one friend?) those who seemed to be somewhat in conference didn’t add anything to me.
On the contrary, when they saw the gospel on uncircumcision was committed to me, just as the gospel of circumcision was committed to Peter (you see, what was effected through Peter’s apostleship for the circumcised was the same thing that I brought to the uncircumcised), and when James, Cephas, and John who seemed to be pillars understood that grace was given to me, they gave me Barnabas who was the right hand of fellowship so we could go preach to the heathen and they could go preach to the circumcised.
They just wanted us to remember the poor and that’s what I wanted to do too! But when Peter came to Antioch I opposed him straight to his face because he was so in the wrong! Before all that certain people were sent by James, and he (no one knows who this “he” is, one translation says it’s Cephas, but it’s impossible to tell) did eat with the Gentiles, but when James’ men were around he hid because he feared the circumcised folks.
Other Jews were in agreement with Peter and they even poor Barnabas astray.
But, when I saw that they were not living up to the true gospel, I told Peter, in front of everyone: If you, being a Jew, live like the Gentiles and not as a Jew, then why do you force the Gentiles to live like Jews? We who are naturally Jewish (it’s like having naturally curly hair!), and not Gentile sinners, know that a man isn’t justified by works but by faith in our buddy JC. Even we believe in JC so we can be saved, not by the law, because no man is saved by the works of the law.
However, if, while we try to be saved by Christ, we are also found sinners, is Christ a minister of sin? God forbid. (Oh heavens, for a split second I thought Paulie had escaped his favorite answer to his own nonsensical rhetorical questions).
If I build the things that I have destroyed, then I am a transgressor. Through the law I am dead to the law so that I can live in God.
I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, but not me, rather JC himself lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh I live only by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.
I do not frustrate the grace of god. If righteousness comes by law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Galatians Chapter 1
Galatians Chapter One
Paul, a very special apostle who wasn’t appointed by men but, of course, by JC and God… you remember, the dude who raised his boy from the dead.
And all the brethren who are with me to the churches of Galatia (what’s the matter, those sentences and transitions don’t make sense to you… well, what a shock. It’s the bible, no more can be expected from a book inspired from an omnipotent God, right?).
Grace be with you and also peace from God and JC, who gave himself for our sins so he could deliver us from this evil world, as was the will of his papa. To whom is the glory for ever and ever. Amen.
(Wow, these sentences are poor even for Paul… but he did write Galatians before he wrote Romans, so, maybe he hadn’t refined his literary technique yet… chuckle, snort, smirk).
I marvel that you have drifted so far from the grace of Christ and moved to another gospel (eh? What other gospel… maybe I’m interested in that one. Anything has to be better than this!). It’s not even another gospel, but there are some of you making trouble who would pervert the gospel of Christ. (What’s the matter Paul, are you made at people who actually think that rules are important and think that maybe following the law is a good plan… maybe they’re not into your anarchist methodology).
If anyone, even an angel from heaven, preaches any other gospel to you than the one that we have preached, let them be accursed. (What if God himself preaches another gospel, should he be cursed? Paul probably thinks so, he so f’ing arrogant).
For am I now supposed to persuade men or God? Or do I try to please men? If I have pleased men, then I am not the servant of Christ. But I promise you, brethren, that the gospel I preach is not from man. I didn’t receive it from man, nor was I taught, but I learned only from the revelation of JC.
You have heard of my conversation in the past about the Jews’ religion and how I persecuted beyond measure the churches of God and wasted it. And I profited in the Jews’ religion above many of my equals in my nation, being more zealous and traditional than my fathers.
But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb (really, God does that? Maybe he could think of a less painful and torturous way of removing these kids… I’ll let you know if three months or so how bad it is), and called me by his own grace, to reveal his Son in me so I could teach all the heathens.
Immediately I didn’t discuss this with mere mortals, nor did I go to Jerusalem to the apostles, but instead I went to Arabia and returned to Damascus. Then after three years I went to Jerusalem to see Pete, who I stayed with for fifteen days, but the only other apostle I say was James, JC’s mortal brother.
Now, I swear to God, I’m not lying about the things I’m writing to you.
After, I came into Syria and Cilicia and I was unknown by any of the people in the churches of Judaea which had already become Christian. However, they had heard that a man that had previously persecuted them was now preaching the faith he’d once tried to destroy.
They glorified God in me.
Fabulous Paulie. Fabulous and oh so humble. You’ve just got to love it. You freakin’ nutcase!
Paul, a very special apostle who wasn’t appointed by men but, of course, by JC and God… you remember, the dude who raised his boy from the dead.
And all the brethren who are with me to the churches of Galatia (what’s the matter, those sentences and transitions don’t make sense to you… well, what a shock. It’s the bible, no more can be expected from a book inspired from an omnipotent God, right?).
Grace be with you and also peace from God and JC, who gave himself for our sins so he could deliver us from this evil world, as was the will of his papa. To whom is the glory for ever and ever. Amen.
(Wow, these sentences are poor even for Paul… but he did write Galatians before he wrote Romans, so, maybe he hadn’t refined his literary technique yet… chuckle, snort, smirk).
I marvel that you have drifted so far from the grace of Christ and moved to another gospel (eh? What other gospel… maybe I’m interested in that one. Anything has to be better than this!). It’s not even another gospel, but there are some of you making trouble who would pervert the gospel of Christ. (What’s the matter Paul, are you made at people who actually think that rules are important and think that maybe following the law is a good plan… maybe they’re not into your anarchist methodology).
If anyone, even an angel from heaven, preaches any other gospel to you than the one that we have preached, let them be accursed. (What if God himself preaches another gospel, should he be cursed? Paul probably thinks so, he so f’ing arrogant).
For am I now supposed to persuade men or God? Or do I try to please men? If I have pleased men, then I am not the servant of Christ. But I promise you, brethren, that the gospel I preach is not from man. I didn’t receive it from man, nor was I taught, but I learned only from the revelation of JC.
You have heard of my conversation in the past about the Jews’ religion and how I persecuted beyond measure the churches of God and wasted it. And I profited in the Jews’ religion above many of my equals in my nation, being more zealous and traditional than my fathers.
But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb (really, God does that? Maybe he could think of a less painful and torturous way of removing these kids… I’ll let you know if three months or so how bad it is), and called me by his own grace, to reveal his Son in me so I could teach all the heathens.
Immediately I didn’t discuss this with mere mortals, nor did I go to Jerusalem to the apostles, but instead I went to Arabia and returned to Damascus. Then after three years I went to Jerusalem to see Pete, who I stayed with for fifteen days, but the only other apostle I say was James, JC’s mortal brother.
Now, I swear to God, I’m not lying about the things I’m writing to you.
After, I came into Syria and Cilicia and I was unknown by any of the people in the churches of Judaea which had already become Christian. However, they had heard that a man that had previously persecuted them was now preaching the faith he’d once tried to destroy.
They glorified God in me.
Fabulous Paulie. Fabulous and oh so humble. You’ve just got to love it. You freakin’ nutcase!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Acts Chapter 23
Paul earnestly spoke to the council saying “Men and brethren, I have lived in good conscience before God until this day. “ the High priest Ananias told the people near Paul to smack him in the mouth. Paul naturally objected “Good will smite you, with your white walls, because you judge me according to the law, but you command me to hit contrary to the law.”
The people around were all “What? Did he just insult the high priest?”
Paul answered “I would not, brothers, if her were the high priest, because it’s written that you won’t speak evil of the ruler of your people” Let me guess who decided that rule was a good idea, was it a ruler? Paul was pretty perceptive. He figured out that the crowd was mixed between Sadducees and Pharisees. He cried out “I am a Pharisee, the son of Pharisee, I’m just questioning the resurrection of the dead!” Well that divided the Pharisees and Sadducees, because the Pharisees believe in angels, spirits, and resurrection, and the Saducees don’t.
The Pharisees’ scribes cried out that they found no evil in this guy, and if a spirit or angel spoke to him, they probably shouldn’t fight against God. Well that caused an uproar. The chief captain, fearing Paul was going to be pulled to pieces, told the soldiers to go down and grab Paul to bring him to the castle.
That night God came to Paul and told him to be happy, because “Just like in Jerusalem, you have to bear witness to me in Rome”
In the mean time a bunch of Jews protested, saying they wouldn’t eat or drink until they’d killed Paul. It was about forty of them and they told the chief priest and elders their plan. They wanted to the chief captain to bring Paul around the next day asking him about something and as he got near them, they planed on killing him.
Paul’s sister’s son, Paul’s nephew, overheard this and entered the castle and told Paul. Paul told the centurions to bring his nephew to the chief captain so he could tell him the people’s plan. So he did that. (He used 37 words to that, while I used four.) The chief captain took Paul’s nameless nephew by the hand, and asked him privately, “What do you have to say to me?” He told him that Jews plan on killing Paul, tomorrow in the council, as they examine him more thoroughly. He also told him about the forty men planning on starving themselves until they kill Paulie. The Chief captain let the nephew go telling him not to tell anyone that he had told them these things.
He called two centurions telling them to get two hundred soldiers, seventy horsemen, and two hundred spear men to go to Caesarea with Paul and bring him safely to Felix the governor.
He even wrote a letter that went something like this:
I Claudius Lysias, send this to the most excellent governor Felix sends greeting.
This guy, Paul was taken by the Jews and they wanted to kill him, but I came with an army and rescued him because he is a Roman citizen. I wanted to know why they wanted to kill him, so I brought him to their council. I saw that he had questioned their law, maybe broke it, but nothing worth killing him over. Anyway they were still planning on killing him so I sent him to you and told the Jews they could explain to you exactly why they want him dead. Farewell.
The soldiers took Paul to Antipatris that night and left the horsemen with him but return to the castle. They gave the letter and Paul to the governor. Who read it and asked Paul what province he was from. Paul was from Cilicia. So he told Paul he would hear him when his accusers came. Until then Paul would be kept in Herod’s Judgment Hall.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Acts Chapter 22
“Men, brethren, and fathers, hear my defense.” When they heard him speaking in Hebrew to they were very quiet.
“I really and a Jew born in Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, yet brought up here in this city at the feet of Gamaliel. I was taught according to the perfect manor of the law of the fathers and was zealous towards God like all of you. I persecuted people both men and women, this way, binding them and delivering them to the prisons. The high priest and the estate of the elders witnessed me. I received letters to the brethren, and went to Damascus, to bring the prisoners to Jerusalem to be punished.”
Oh yay! We get to hear about Paul’s vision again.
“As I made my journey, and coming near Damascus at about noon, suddenly a heavenly light shown around me. I fell to the ground and heard avoice saying “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
I answered “Who are you, Lord?”
He said to me “I am Jesus of Nazareth, whom you’ve persecuted”
The people who was with me saw the light, and were afraid but they didn’t hear the voice. I asked the voice what to do, and the Lord answered me, to go to Damascus and you’ll receive more instructions. Except I had been blinded by the light so my companions had to take me by the hand to lead me to Damascus.
One devout man Ananias, who lived according to law, had a good report of all the Jews who lived there. He came to me and said “Brother Saul, receive your sight!” and within an hour I could totally see him. He told that God had chosen me, so I should know his will, and see that Just One, I’ve got to take that to mean JC, and hear his voice. He told me I’d be his witness to all men of what you’ve seen and heard. So why wait, get up, be baptized and wash your sins in the name of the Lord.
It came to pass that when I came back to Jerusalem, even when I prayed in the temple I was in a trance. I saw him tell me to hurry and get out of Jerusalem, because they won’t receive the testimony concerning him. Again we’ve got to take it be JC. I said Lord, they know that I imprisoned and beat them in every synagogue that they believed in you. And when the blood of your martyr Stephen was shed, you’ll remember that Stephen was the one they bit, I was standing by, consenting to his death, I kept the clothes of his killers. He said to me “Go, I am sending you far away to the Gentiles”
I guess this speak didn’t thrill the crowd because they lifted up their voices and said “Get this guy off the off the earth, he’s not fit to live!” as they said this they cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air! I don’t understand these ancient times. The chief captain commanded him to be brought to the castle and decided that he should be examined by scourging, so he would know why they were so very against him. Um words aren’t good enough?
As they bound him Paul asked the centurion that stood by, “is it lawful for you scourge an uncondemned Roman? The chief captain came and asked Paul if he really was a Roman. Paul told him he was.
The chief captain told Paul “I achieved this freedom with a great sum of money”
Paul told him “But I was born free!”
So the people who were about to scourge him left, and the captain was afraid, because they had bound a Roman citizen. The next day, he loosened his bands and commanded the chief priests and all of their council to pear to find out what Paul had been accused of by the Jews. They brought Paul before them…
Monday, July 4, 2011
Acts Chapter 21
So it came to pass after they launched they went straight to Coos, then Rhodes (no Colosses there at the time) and onto Patara, then a new ship to Phenicia, onto Cyprus, where they exited form the left side, and sailed to Syria, landing at Tyre because it wastime to unload the ship. They stayed there for seven days when the Spirit told Paulie not to go to Jerusalem.
After that they departed on their way and the disciples brought their wives and kids. When they were out of the city they knelt of the shore to pray. Then it was time to go home again. So they went from Tyre to Ptolemais saluting the brethren, and staying with them for a day.
The next day they let Paul’s company, and went to Caesarea to say with Philip the evangelist, who was one of the seven and stayed with him.
Wait, what? Who are the seven? What seven? I’ve heard of the twelve… I’ve heard of the seven dwarves. As usual I don’t know what they are talking about.
Phil the E has four virgin daughter who prophesied. They stayed with Phil long enough that they got to meet a certain prophet named Agabus. When he came he took Paul’s girdle and bound his hands and feet, because the Holy Ghost had said that the Jews in Jerusalem, would bind the man wearing this girdle, and deliver him to the gentiles. Well, they tried to convince Agabus that this wasn’t a good idea.
So Paul asked Agabus “Are you trying to break my heart and make me cry? I am ready not just to be bound but to die in name of Lord Jesus” Okay, first off I can’t believe that I hadn’t phrased it this way yet, but Paul totally has Jesus complex.
Second, I don’t remember what bible has to say about suicide. So far in the New Testament, there’s no mention of it and Jesus actively pursues his own death. It’s not really mentioned in the Ten Commandments. I mean it could fall under murder if you counted it as a murder of yourself. But I’m not entirely sure what the cultural views on suicide were at the time. So really should you seek your own death? Even in prophesy shouldn’t you at least attempt to avoid it.
I guess that’s part of what bothers me about Christianity, there isn’t a big focus on enjoying the gift that is life. How amazing and wonderful it is to be alive. They focus a lot on what happens after we die.
Life isn’t really seen as a gift in the church unless you are the unborn. Don’t use prophylactics, birth control and think about the views of menstruation. I mean really the natural process of menstruation is frowned upon. At one point you couldn’t even take communion when you had your period. Is that because your body was murdering the potential unborn? Sorry I’m babbling here.
They couldn’t convince Paul that he should avoid this death and he just told hime the will of the Lord will be done. They took up their carriages and went to Jerusalem. Some of the disciples of Caesarea like Mnason of Cyprus, who they lodged with came with them to Jerusalem where the brethren received them gladly.
Paulie went with James, and saw the elders were present. When he saluted, the told them specifically what God has done among the gentiles by his ministry.
When they hear it they, glorified the Lord and told him “Look at how many Jews believe, Brother, they are enthusiastic about the law, they know about you, that you teach the people to forsake Moses, saying not to circumcise their children and don’t follow the customs.
What is it the consequence ofthat? The multitude needs to come because they will hear that you came. Do this because this is what we’re telling you. We have four men who have vowed… something I don’t know what they vowed. Take them and purify yourselves with them, and you should pay, to have their heads shave, may see that you’ve done that, so they’ll know that you are orderly and keeping the law. Concerning the Gentiles who believe, we have written and noticed that they observe no such thing, but they do manage to keep themselves from offering things to idols, and from blood, from the strangled, and from fornication. “ I am a little unsure what the purification rituals were all about. So that got a little confusing to rephrase there.
Then Paul took the men, and purified himself the next day with those who entered into the temple, to show the accomplishment of the day of purification until an offering could be made for each of them.
When the seven days had almost passed, the Asian Jews saw Paul in the in the temple, they stired up all of the people and laid hands on him crying out “Men of Israel! Help! This is the man you teaches all men everywhere, teaches against the people, the law this place! He even brought Greeks into the temple! He polluted this holy place! They has seen him with an Ephesian, in Trophimus who they thought Paul had brought into the temple.
All of the city was moved and the people ran together and took Paulie out of the temple, and shut the door. As they were about to kill him, the chief captain of the band heard about how all Jerusalem was in an uproar. He immediately took soldiers and centurions and ran down to them. When they saw the captain and the soldiers they stopped beating Paulie.
The captain commanded them to be bound with two chains then asked him who he was and what the heck had he done. Everybody started telling him different things, but he couldn’t tell what was true, so he commanded that Paulie be taken to the castle.
When he came to the stairs, the soldiers had to take him up because they people were violent. And they followed him shouting “Away with him!”
As Paul was being led into the castle, he asked the captain if he could speak to him. The captain asked him “Can you speak Greek? Aren’t you that Egyptian who made an uproar and led four thousand murderers into the wilderness?”
Paul told him “Dude, I’m Jew from Tarsus in Cilcia, a citizen of no mean city and I’m asking you to let me speak to the people. “
So this dope lets Paul up onto the stirs, were he beckoned to the people. When it finally got quiet he started to speak to them in Hebrew saying….
No seriously it just ends there. Where is the editor in this book? Is that a cliff hanger or something. Okay, whatever.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Acts Chapter 20
After that little uproar, Paul called the disciples together they went to Macedonia. After convincing people about the good news there it was on to Greece for three months. The Jews lay in wait for him there as he was about the sail to Syria so he returned to Macedonia. Sopater of Berea, Aristarchus and Secundus of Thessalonia, Gaius of Derbe, and Timotheus, and Tychicus and Trophimus of Asia accompanied him. Why it’s constantly important to list the minor characters of this little drama is beyond me. Maybe they were like producer credits back then.
They the sailed to Philippi after the days of the unleavened bread and came to Troas, where people had been waiting for the, five days later, and they stayed there for seven days.
The disciple came together to have a meal and Paul preached to them until midnight. There were many lights in the upper chamber where they had gathered. In the window was a certain young man named Eutychus who had fallen into a deep sleep and fell from the third loft and was taken up dead. Paul went down and embraced him explain to the folk not to trouble themselves with concern for this young man, he was still alive. So Paulie had some dinner with them, and talked until sun up and left. And the Young man was alive and that made everyone super happy! Hurray!
On to Assos, were some folks sailed to get there but Paul chose to go by foot. They took him in then went to Mitylene. And the they sailed to Chios, then to Samos, and they stayed in Trogyllium and then on to Miletus. Paul went to sail by Ephesus because he didn’t want to spend any time in Asia, then he rushed of to Jerusalem fot the day of the Pentecost. But when he got to Miletus he sent to Ephesus for the elders of the church.
When they came to him he said “You know, the first day that I came to Asia, after the way I’ve been with you through all of the seasons serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears and temptations which befell me by lying in wait with the Jews. And how I didn’t hold back anything that would profit you, But I’ve shown you and taught you publicly, from house to house, testifying to both the Jews and the Greeks about repentance towards God and faith for Lord JC. Now I’m moved by the spirit to go to Jerusalem, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me there.
Excerpt that the Holy Ghost was seen in every city saying that bonds and afflictions wait for me. But I don’t mind because my life isn’t so dear to me. I will follow my fate with joy and believing in what I’ve been preaching about Lord Jesus, to show the gospel of the grace of God. And now you won’t see me anymore. I want you to record this day that I am pure from the blood of all men. I told you what God’s plan is. So take heed for yourselves and the flock. The Holy Ghost made you the overseers, you have to feed the church of
God that he purchased with his own blood.
I know that after I leave, grievous wolves will enter the flock. And some of your own will rise speaking perverse things (Really Paul, is it more talk about circumcision, “members” and other genital talk?) and drawing disciples with them. Uh oh! Does Paulie have a little conflict with some of the brethren? So watch and remember that in three year’s time I never stopped trying to warn everyone day and night with my tears.
So now brethren, I’m telling you to preach the word of God’s grace, which builds you up and gives you a legacy among the sacred. I don’t want any man’s silver, god or apparel. You know that my hands have taken care of the things I need and the needs of those around me. I have showed you all things so when you labor support the weak, and remember JC’s words. He said that it’s better to give than receive.”
Which is awesome! I always like it when Santa says that! But Paulie, when did JC say that? And who did he say it to?
When he was done talking he knelt down and prayed with them all. And they all fell around him and hugged and kissed Paulie. They were really upset that they wouldn’t see their beloved Paulie anymore. And they accompanies him onto the ship.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Acts Chapter 19
While Apollos was in Corinth, Paul came to Ephesus and found certain disciples. He told them “Have you received the Holy Ghost since you believed?” Ooo now I’m curious!
They answered “ We haven’t heard if there is a Holy Ghost!” Uh oh! Sounds like blasphemy to me!
So Paul asks them in water manner had they been baptized. Oh they had been baptized by John the Baptist . Paul explained that John’s baptism was the baptism of repentance. He told the people that they should believe in the guy who came after him, Jesus Christ. Of course when they heard that they were baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. And when he put his hands on them they Holy Ghost came out and they spoke in tongues and prophesized. There were about twelve guys.
Paul went into the synagogue and spoke boldly for three months, arguing and persuading about the kingdom of God. But when the crowd disagreed and didn’t believe him, they spoke evil about that way of the kingdom of God. So Paulie left and started arguing at a school in Tyrannus. And this continued for two years, so all of the folks who lived in Asia heard the word of the Lord Jesus, both the Jews and Greeks. Oh I think I’ve been misunderstanding what they meant by Asia.
God made special miracles through Paul’s hands. He could give out aprons and handkerchiefs that he had touched and the diseases and evil spirits would leave them. Wow, it sounds like God gave him more power than he gave his beloved son JC.
A certain vagabond Jew was visiting the people possessed by evil spirit, telling the spirits to leave in the name of Jesus, who Paul preaches about. Wow I think the people think Paul has the big power too. A Jewish chief priest named Sceva had seven sons, who all did that too. But the evil spirit asked them “Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye?” And then the evil spirit physically attacked them. It overcame them and they fled the house naked and wounded. The Jews and Greeks in Ephesus heard this were afraid, and the name of the Lord Jesus was magnified. Wait what? Yeah the fear makes sense but how was JC’s name magnified any more than Paul’s?
And a lot of the believers came and confessed and showed their deeds. Many of the people who used the curious arts brought their books together and burned them before all o the men, and they added up how much the books were worth and it was fifty thousand pieces of silver. Wow! That’s some big money! And hey I don’t care what the books are, don’t burn them, if you don’t like them don’t read them. Whatever. So the word of God prevailed.
After all of that, Paul went through Macedonia, Achaia, on to Jerusalem, and then he decided he had to see Rome! So he sent Timotheus and Erastus, but he stayed in Asia for a season. And that caused a big stir. Because a certain man named Demetrius, a silversmith, who made silver shrines for Diana, which earned him some serious money. He called together some other silversmiths to tell them “You know we make our money out of smithing, and you’ve seen and heard that Paul’s persuaded and turned a lot of people onto the idea that there are no gods made with human hands. So our craft is in danger of becoming nothing, but on top of that they hate the temple of the great goddess Diana and her magnificence should be destroyed. But all of Asia and the world worships her!“
When they heard that they were pissed yelling “Diana of the Ephesians is awesome!”
The whole city was filled with confusion, and they caught Gaius and Aristarchus from Macedonia, who were Paul’s companions in travel and they rushed them into the theatre. Paul wanted to enter the crowd but the disciples stopped him. A certain chief or Asia, who was his friend, sent a message telling him not to go to the theater. Everything was really confusing, people were shouting different things, and some of the people didn’t even know why they were there.
Alexander tried to defend his people beckoning with his hand but when they found out her was a Jew the people started crying out “Great is Diana of the Ephesians!” They did that in unison for a couple of hours.
When the townclerk finally appeased the people and said “You men of Ephesus, who doesn’t know that we worship Diana, who fell down from Jupiter? They can’t take that from you, so you ought to be quiet and don’t do anything rash. You brought these guys here, and they aren’t church robbers, they haven’t even blasphemed against your goddess… yet. Where is Demetrius and the other craftsmen, if you have a problem with these people, take them to the courts and deal with it in a lawful assembly. This uproar today is a mess and nobody knows what happened. Now go home people!”
Hurray for the town clerk, a just and logical man no doubt familiar with the laws of ancient Greece, Rome! My new biblical hero, someone who uses logic!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Acts Chapter 18
Paul went and talked in the synagogue every Sabbath to persuade the Greeks and Jews. When Silas and Timotheus came from Macedonia, Paul was preaching in the spirit and trying to convert the Jews to be new little Christians. But when the people didn’t want to be converted, and they blasphemed, and he shook his clothes and told them their blood was on their own heads. Way to show compassion Paulie! I am clean and from now on I am going to the gentiles. So the Jew’s may be God’s chosen people but the gentiles are Paul’s chosen people.
So he left and went to a certain man named Justus’s house. He worshipped God and his house was closely joined to the synagogue. Crispus, the chief ruler of the synagogue believed in the lord along with his house and many of the Corinthians believed after hearing and were baptized.
The Lord spoke to Paul that night in a vision, saying “Don’t be afraid, but don’t hold your piece either. I am with you, so no one can hurt you, because I’ve got a lot of people in this city.” Wow great important message from God there. So Paul stayed there for six months teaching the word of God.
When Gallio was the deputy o Achaia, the Jews formed an insurrection against Paul and brought him to the Judgment seat saying Paul persuades people to worship God contrary to the law. Which is true, he does that. Paul tells him “If it were a matter of wrong, or wicked lewdness, O you Jews, then I would agree with you, but if it’s a matter o words and name, and your laws, then I won’t judge.” And he drove them from the judgment seat.
Then all of the Greeks took Sosthenes, the chief ruler of the synagogue beat him before the judgment seat. Sheesh folks violence isn’t always the answer. Maybe you should try talking ot the guy. And by the way Paul’s vision of God totally lied they just beat him I would say that hurts. Gallio didn’t care for any of it.
After Paul stayed there a good while, he left his brethren and sailed to Syria with Pricilla and Aquila. He cut his hair short in Cenchrea because he had a vow. Then he went to Ephesus and let them there. But he entered the synagogue and resoned with the Jews. When they wanted him to stay with them, he decided to go and bid them farewell saying he must go to the feast in Jerusalem But he’d come back to them if it was god’s will. Then he sailed from Ephesus.
When he landed at Caesarea he went and saluted the church, and he went down to Antioch. After he stayed there a while he left and went all over the country of Galatia and Phrygia to strengthen the disciples.
A certain Jew named Apollos born in Alexandria who was an eloquent man and strongly versed in the scriptures, came to Ephesus. This guy was instructed in the way of the Lord, being fervent in the spirit, he spoke and taught the things of the Lord diligently, but he only knew the baptism of John. He began speaking boldly in the synagogue, when Aquila and Pricilla heard they took to him and showed him the way of God more perfectly. When he went to Achaia the brethren wrote so to encourage, the disciples to receive him, and he helped them with what they has believed through grace. Because he was good at convincing the Jews and publicly showing the scriptures that proved Jesus was the Christ.
Acts Chapter 17
Now they had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica to the synagogue. Paul went there and talked to them for three Sabbath days. Oh look it’s a preview of his letters to the Thessalonians! He opened by pointing out “that Christ must needs have suffered” Thank you bible grammar! Sorry I just really hate struggling through the poor grammar. He pointed out that Christ has to have suffered and risen from the dead, and he was Jesus, I preach about him to you, he’s Christ. Some of them believed and consorted with Paul and Silas and there were a lot of devout Greeks, including chief women.
But the Jews didn’t believe, and were envious, they took up some of the lewd, baser sort, and gathered a group and set the city in a uproar. They assaulted the house of Jason and tried to bring them out to the people. Well it turns out they weren’t at Jason’s house. So they grabbed Jason and certain brethren to the rulers of the city, saying the people who have turned the word upside down have come here. Jason took these guys in even though Caesar didn’t want anyone to do that, and he says there is another king, Jesus.
Well that troubled the people and the rulers of the city. They let Jason go. The brethren send Paul and Silas that night to Berea who went into the synagogue.
These were more noble than the people of Thessalonica, because they were ready to receive the word, and searched the scriptures daily to make sure it was true. Manhy of them believe, honorable Greek women and men. The Jews of Thessalonica heard about Paul preaching at Berea so they came and stirred up the people. So they sent Paul to go to the sea but Silas and Timotheus stayed there.
So Paul goes to Athens and sends for Silas and Timotheus to quickly come to Athens. While he was waiting, Paul’s spirit was stirred, because the city was given idolatry. He disputed with the Jews in the synagogue, and with the devout people, and in the market with anyone who met him
Certain philosophers of the Epicureans and of the Stoics encountered him. Some of them asked “What will this babbler say?” Others thought that he was setting forth strang gods, because he preached about JC and the resurrection. They took him to Areopagus asking to see the new doctrine. “You talk about strange things, we want to know what it means.”(because all of the Athenians and strangers who spend their time in nothing else, except to hear something new)
Paulie stood in the middle of Mars’s hill and said “ You men of Athens, I see that you are too superstitious about everything. As I passed by and saw your devotions, I found alter with and inscription TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. You idiots worship him! And unknown god! God who made the world and everything in it, seeing that he’s the Lord of heaven and earth, doesn’t dwell in temples made with hands, neither is worshipped with men’s hands, as if he needed anything, he gave life and breath to all things! And he made one blood of all the nations o man who dwell on the face of the earth, and had determined their time on earth and they should seek the Lord, he’s not far from us and the people who find him are happy.”
“Because we live and move and are beings, like the poets say, we are his offspring, and as his offspring, we shouldn’t think that the Godhead is like gold or silver or graven by art and man’s device”
That had to have been a tough sell to the Greeks who were a little bit famous for their fancy art and gorgeous carving abilities. Anyway what does god have against artists? Is he jealous because they want to create things too?
“God used to wink at your ignorance but now he commands everyone to repent! He has appointed a day that he will judge the world in righteousness by the men he’s ordained, he’s given assurance to all men, they he raised him (JC I assume) from the dead.” When they heard about the reserection of the dead, some of them mocked him and others said they would listen to it again. So Paul left them. But certain folk followed him like Dionysius the Areopagite, and a woman named Damaris.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)