Acts Chapter 23

Acts Chapter 23

Paul earnestly spoke to the council saying “Men and brethren, I have lived in good conscience before God until this day. “  the High priest Ananias told the people near Paul to smack him in the mouth.  Paul naturally objected “Good will smite you, with your white walls, because you judge me according to the law, but you command me to hit contrary to the law.”

The people around were all “What?  Did he just insult the high priest?”

Paul answered “I would not, brothers, if her were the high priest, because it’s written that you won’t speak evil of the ruler of your people” Let me guess who decided that rule was a good idea, was it a ruler? Paul was pretty perceptive.  He figured out that the crowd was mixed between Sadducees and Pharisees.  He cried out “I am a Pharisee, the son of Pharisee, I’m just questioning the resurrection of the dead!”  Well that divided the Pharisees and Sadducees, because the Pharisees believe in angels, spirits, and resurrection, and the Saducees don’t.

The Pharisees’ scribes cried out that they found no evil in this guy, and if a spirit or angel spoke to him, they probably shouldn’t fight against God.  Well that caused an uproar.  The chief captain, fearing Paul was going to be pulled to pieces, told the soldiers to go down and grab Paul to bring him to the castle.

That night God came to Paul and told him to be happy, because “Just like in Jerusalem, you have to bear witness to me in Rome”

In the mean time a bunch of Jews protested, saying they wouldn’t eat or drink until they’d killed Paul.  It was about forty of them and they told the chief priest and elders their plan.  They wanted to the chief captain to bring Paul around the next day asking him about something and as he got near them, they planed on killing him.

Paul’s sister’s son, Paul’s nephew,  overheard this and entered the castle and told Paul.  Paul told the centurions to bring his nephew to the chief captain so he could tell him the people’s plan.  So he did that.  (He used 37 words to that, while I used four.) The chief captain took Paul’s nameless nephew by the hand, and asked him privately, “What do you have to say to me?”  He told him that Jews plan on killing Paul, tomorrow in the council, as they examine him more thoroughly.  He also told him about the forty men planning on starving themselves until they kill Paulie.  The Chief captain let the nephew go telling him not to tell anyone that he had told them these things.

He called two centurions telling them to get two hundred soldiers, seventy horsemen, and two hundred spear men to go to Caesarea with Paul and bring him safely to Felix the governor.

He even wrote a letter that went something like this:

I Claudius Lysias, send this to the most excellent governor Felix sends greeting.

This guy, Paul was taken by the Jews and they wanted to kill him, but I came with an army and rescued him because he is a Roman citizen.  I wanted to know why they wanted to kill him, so I brought him to their council.  I saw that he had questioned their law, maybe broke it, but nothing worth killing him over.  Anyway they were still planning on killing him so I sent him to you and told the Jews they could explain to you exactly why they want him dead.  Farewell.

The soldiers took Paul to Antipatris that night and left the horsemen with him but return to the castle.  They gave the letter and Paul to the governor.  Who read it and asked Paul what province he was from. Paul was from Cilicia. So he told Paul he would hear him when his accusers came.  Until then Paul would be kept in Herod’s Judgment Hall.

Acts Chapter 22

Acts Chapter 22

“Men, brethren, and fathers, hear my defense.”  When they heard him speaking in Hebrew to they were very quiet.
   

“I really and a Jew born in Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, yet brought up here in this city at the feet of Gamaliel. I was taught according to the perfect manor of the law of the fathers and was zealous towards God like all of you.  I persecuted people both men and women, this way, binding them and delivering them to the prisons.   The high priest and the estate of the elders witnessed me.   I received letters to the brethren, and went to Damascus, to bring the prisoners to Jerusalem to be punished.”

Oh yay! We get to hear about Paul’s vision again.

“As I made my journey, and coming near Damascus at about noon, suddenly a heavenly light shown around me.  I fell to the ground and heard avoice saying “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

I answered “Who are you, Lord?”

He said to me “I am Jesus of Nazareth, whom you’ve persecuted”

The people who was with me saw the light, and were afraid but they didn’t hear the voice.  I asked the voice what to do, and the Lord answered me, to go to Damascus and you’ll receive more instructions. Except I had been blinded by the light so my companions had to take me by the hand to lead me to Damascus.
 

One devout man Ananias, who lived according to law, had a good report of all the Jews who lived there. He came to me and said “Brother Saul, receive your sight!” and within an hour I could totally see him.  He told that God had chosen me, so I should know his will, and see that Just One, I’ve got to take that to mean JC, and hear his voice.  He told me I’d be his witness to all men of what you’ve seen and heard.  So why wait, get up, be baptized and wash your sins in the name of the Lord.

It came to pass that when I came back to Jerusalem, even when I prayed in the temple I was in a trance.  I saw him tell me to hurry and get out of Jerusalem, because they won’t receive the testimony concerning him. Again we’ve got to take it be JC.  I said Lord, they know that I imprisoned and beat them in every synagogue that they believed in you. And when the blood of your martyr Stephen was shed, you’ll remember that Stephen was the one they bit, I was standing by, consenting to his death, I kept the clothes of his killers.  He said to me “Go, I am sending you far away to the Gentiles”

I guess this speak didn’t thrill the crowd because they lifted up their voices and said “Get this guy off the off the earth, he’s not fit to live!” as they said this they cast off their clothes, and threw dust into the air!  I don’t understand these ancient times. The chief captain commanded him to be brought to the castle and decided that he should be examined by scourging, so he would know why they were so very against him. Um words aren’t good enough?

As they bound him Paul asked the centurion that stood by, “is it lawful for you scourge an uncondemned Roman?  The chief captain came and asked Paul if he really was a Roman.  Paul told him he was.  

The chief captain told Paul “I achieved this freedom with a great sum of money”

Paul told him “But I was born free!”

So the people who were about to scourge him left, and the captain was afraid, because they had bound a Roman citizen.   The next day, he loosened his bands and commanded the chief priests and all of their council to pear to find out what Paul had been accused of by the Jews.  They brought Paul before them…

Acts Chapter 21

Acts Chapter 21

So it came to pass after they launched they went straight to Coos, then Rhodes (no Colosses there at the time) and onto Patara, then a new ship to Phenicia, onto Cyprus, where they exited form the left side, and sailed to Syria, landing at Tyre because it wastime to unload the ship.  They stayed there for seven days when the Spirit told Paulie not to go to Jerusalem.

After that they departed on their way and the disciples brought their wives and kids.  When they were out of the city they knelt of the shore to pray.  Then it was time to go home again.  So they went from Tyre to Ptolemais saluting the brethren, and staying with them for a day.

The next day they let Paul’s company, and went to Caesarea to say with Philip the evangelist, who was one of the seven and stayed with him. 

Wait, what?  Who are the seven?  What seven?  I’ve heard of the twelve…  I’ve heard of the seven dwarves.  As usual I don’t know what they are talking about.

Phil the E has four virgin daughter who prophesied.  They stayed with Phil long enough that they got to meet a certain prophet named Agabus.  When he came he took Paul’s girdle and bound his hands and feet, because the Holy Ghost had said that the Jews in Jerusalem, would bind the man wearing this girdle, and deliver him to the gentiles.  Well, they tried to convince Agabus that this wasn’t a good idea. 

So Paul asked Agabus “Are you trying to break my heart and make me cry?  I am ready not just to be bound but to die in name of Lord Jesus”  


Okay, first off I can’t believe that I hadn’t phrased it this way yet, but Paul totally has Jesus complex.


Second, I don’t remember what bible has to say about suicide.  So far in the New Testament, there’s no mention of it and Jesus actively pursues his own death.  It’s not really mentioned in the Ten Commandments.  I mean it could fall under murder if you counted it as a murder of yourself.  But I’m not entirely sure what the cultural views on suicide were at the time.  So really should you seek your own death? Even in prophesy shouldn’t you at least attempt to avoid it.


I guess that’s part of what bothers me about Christianity, there isn’t a big focus on enjoying the gift that is life.  How amazing and wonderful it is to be alive.  They focus a lot on what happens after we die.


Life isn’t really seen as a gift in the church unless you are the unborn.  Don’t use prophylactics, birth control and think about the views of menstruation.  I mean really the natural process of menstruation is frowned upon.  At one point you couldn’t even take communion when you had your period.  Is that because your body was murdering the potential unborn? Sorry I’m babbling here.


They couldn’t convince Paul that he should avoid this death and he just told hime the will of the Lord will be done.  They took up their carriages and went to Jerusalem.   Some of the disciples of Caesarea like Mnason of Cyprus, who they lodged with came with them to Jerusalem where the brethren received them gladly. 


Paulie went with James, and saw the elders were present.  When he saluted, the told them specifically what God has done among the gentiles by his ministry. 


When they hear it they, glorified the Lord and told him “Look at how many Jews believe, Brother, they are enthusiastic about the law, they know about you, that you teach the people to forsake Moses, saying not to circumcise their children and don’t follow the customs. 


What is it the consequence ofthat?  The multitude needs to come because they will hear that you came. Do this because this is what we’re telling you.  We have four men who have vowed… something I don’t know what they vowed. Take them and purify yourselves with them, and you should pay, to have their heads shave, may see that you’ve done that, so they’ll know that you are orderly and keeping the law.  Concerning the Gentiles who believe, we have written and noticed that they observe no such thing, but they do manage to keep themselves from offering things to idols, and from blood, from the strangled, and from fornication. “  I am a little unsure what the purification rituals were all about. So that got a little confusing to rephrase there.


Then Paul took the men, and purified himself the next day with those who entered into the temple, to show the accomplishment of the day of purification until an offering could be made for each of them. 


When the seven days had almost passed, the Asian Jews saw Paul in the in the temple, they stired up all of the people and laid hands on him crying out “Men of Israel!  Help!  This is the man you teaches all men everywhere, teaches against the people, the law this place!  He even brought Greeks into the temple! He polluted this holy place! They has seen him with an Ephesian, in Trophimus who they thought Paul had brought into the temple. 


All of the city was moved and the people ran together and took Paulie out of the temple, and shut the door. As they were about to kill him, the chief captain of the band heard about how all Jerusalem was in an uproar.  He immediately took soldiers and centurions and ran down to them.  When they saw the captain and the soldiers they stopped beating Paulie.


The captain commanded them to be bound with two chains then asked him who he was and what the heck had he done. Everybody started telling him different things, but he couldn’t tell what was true, so he commanded that Paulie be taken to the castle. 
When he came to the stairs, the soldiers had to take him up because they people were violent.  And they followed him shouting “Away with him!”


As Paul was being led into the castle, he asked the captain if he could speak to him.  The captain asked him “Can you speak Greek?  Aren’t you that Egyptian who made an uproar and led four thousand murderers into the wilderness?”


Paul told him “Dude, I’m Jew from Tarsus in Cilcia, a citizen of no mean city and I’m asking you to let me speak to the people. “


So this dope lets Paul up onto the stirs, were he beckoned to the people.  When it finally got quiet he started to speak to them in Hebrew saying….


No seriously it just ends there.  Where is the editor in this book? Is that a cliff hanger or something.  Okay, whatever.

Acts Chapter 20

Acts Chapter 20

After that little uproar, Paul called the disciples together they went to Macedonia. After convincing people about the good news there it was on to Greece for three months. The Jews lay in wait for him there as he was about the sail to Syria so he returned to Macedonia.  Sopater of Berea, Aristarchus and Secundus of Thessalonia, Gaius of Derbe, and Timotheus, and Tychicus and Trophimus of Asia accompanied him. Why it’s constantly important to list the minor characters of this little drama is beyond me. Maybe they were like producer credits back then.

They the sailed to Philippi after the days of the unleavened bread and came to Troas, where people had been waiting for the, five days later, and they stayed there for seven days. 

The disciple came together to have a meal and Paul preached to them until midnight. There were many lights in the upper chamber where they had gathered. In the window was a certain young man named Eutychus who had fallen into a deep sleep and fell from the third loft and was taken up dead. Paul went down and embraced him explain to the folk not to trouble themselves with concern for this young man, he was still alive. So Paulie had some dinner with them, and talked until sun up and left. And the Young man was alive and that made everyone super happy! Hurray!

On to Assos, were some folks sailed to get there but Paul chose to go by foot. They took him in then went to Mitylene. And the they sailed to Chios, then to Samos, and they stayed in Trogyllium and then on to Miletus. Paul went to sail by Ephesus because he didn’t want to spend any time in Asia, then he rushed of to Jerusalem fot the day of the Pentecost. But when he got to Miletus he sent to Ephesus for the elders of the church.

When they came to him he said “You know, the first day that I came to Asia, after the way I’ve been with you through all of the seasons serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears and temptations which befell me by lying in wait with the Jews. And how I didn’t hold back anything that would profit you, But I’ve shown you and taught you publicly, from house to house, testifying to both the Jews and the Greeks about repentance towards God and faith for Lord JC. Now I’m moved by the spirit to go to Jerusalem, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me there.

Excerpt that the Holy Ghost was seen in every city saying that bonds and afflictions wait for me. But I don’t mind because my life isn’t so dear to me. I will follow my fate with joy and believing in what I’ve been preaching about Lord Jesus, to show the gospel of the grace of God. And now you won’t see me anymore. I want you to record this day that I am pure from the blood of all men. I told you what God’s plan is. So take heed for yourselves and the flock. The Holy Ghost made you the overseers, you have to feed the church of 

God that he purchased with his own blood.

I know that after I leave, grievous wolves will enter the flock. And some of your own will rise speaking perverse things (Really Paul, is it more talk about circumcision, “members” and other genital talk?) and drawing disciples with them. Uh oh! Does Paulie have a little conflict with some of the brethren? So watch and remember that in three year’s time I never stopped trying to warn everyone day and night with my tears.

So now brethren, I’m telling you to preach the word of God’s grace, which builds you up and gives you a legacy among the sacred. I don’t want any man’s silver, god or apparel. You know that my hands have taken care of the things I need and the needs of those around me. I have showed you all things so when you labor support the weak, and remember JC’s words. He said that it’s better to give than receive.”

Which is awesome! I always like it when Santa says that! But Paulie, when did JC say that? And who did he say it to?

When he was done talking he knelt down and prayed with them all. And they all fell around him and hugged and kissed Paulie. They were really upset that they wouldn’t see their beloved Paulie anymore. And they accompanies him onto the ship.

Acts Chapter 19

Acts Chapter 19

While Apollos was in Corinth, Paul came to Ephesus and found certain disciples.  He told them “Have you received the Holy Ghost since you believed?”  Ooo now I’m curious!

They answered “ We haven’t heard if there is a Holy Ghost!”  Uh oh!  Sounds like blasphemy to me! 

So Paul asks them in water manner had they been baptized.  Oh they had been baptized by John the Baptist .  Paul explained that John’s baptism was the baptism of repentance.  He told the people that they should believe in the guy who came after him, Jesus Christ.    Of course when they heard that they were baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus.  And when he put his hands on them they Holy Ghost came out and they spoke in tongues and prophesized.  There were about twelve guys.

Paul went into the synagogue and spoke boldly for three months, arguing and persuading about the kingdom of God.  But when the crowd disagreed and didn’t believe him, they spoke evil  about that way of the kingdom of God.  So Paulie left and started arguing at a school in Tyrannus.   And this continued for  two years, so all of the folks who lived in Asia heard the word of the Lord Jesus, both the Jews and Greeks.  Oh I think I’ve been misunderstanding what they meant by Asia. 

God made special miracles through Paul’s hands.   He could give out aprons and handkerchiefs that he had touched and the diseases and evil spirits would leave them.  Wow, it sounds like God gave him more power than he gave his beloved son JC.

A certain vagabond Jew was visiting the people possessed by evil spirit, telling the spirits to leave in the name of Jesus, who Paul preaches about.  Wow I think the people think Paul has the big power too.  A Jewish chief priest named Sceva had seven sons, who all did that too.  But the evil spirit asked them “Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye?”  And then the evil spirit physically attacked them.  It overcame them and they fled the house naked and wounded.  The Jews and Greeks in Ephesus heard this were afraid, and the name of the Lord Jesus was magnified.  Wait what?  Yeah the fear makes sense but how was JC’s name magnified any more than Paul’s? 

And a lot of the believers came and confessed and showed their deeds.  Many of the people who used the curious arts brought their books together and burned them before all o the men, and they added up how much the books were worth and it was fifty thousand pieces of silver.  Wow!  That’s some big money!  And hey I don’t care what the books are, don’t burn them, if you don’t like them don’t read them.  Whatever. So the word of God prevailed.

After all of that, Paul went through Macedonia, Achaia, on to Jerusalem, and then he decided he had to see Rome!    So he sent Timotheus and Erastus, but he stayed in Asia for a season.  And that caused a big stir.  Because a certain man named Demetrius, a silversmith, who made silver shrines for Diana, which earned him some serious money.  He called together some other silversmiths to tell them “You know we make our money out of smithing,  and you’ve seen and heard that Paul’s persuaded and turned a lot of people onto the idea that there are no gods made with human hands.  So our craft is in danger of becoming nothing, but on top of that they hate the temple of the great goddess Diana and her magnificence should be destroyed.  But all of Asia and the world worships her!“

When they heard that they were pissed yelling “Diana of the Ephesians is awesome!”

The whole  city was filled with confusion, and they caught Gaius and Aristarchus from Macedonia, who were Paul’s companions in travel and they rushed them into the theatre.   Paul wanted to enter the crowd but the disciples stopped him.  A certain chief or Asia, who was his friend, sent a message telling him not to go to the theater.  Everything was really confusing, people were shouting different things, and some of the people didn’t even know why they were there. 

Alexander tried to defend his people beckoning with his hand but when they found out her was a Jew the people started crying out “Great is Diana of the Ephesians!”  They did that in unison for a couple of hours. 

When the townclerk finally appeased the people and said “You men of Ephesus, who doesn’t know that we worship Diana, who fell down from Jupiter? They can’t take that from you, so you ought to be quiet and don’t do anything rash.  You brought these guys here, and they aren’t church robbers, they haven’t even blasphemed against your goddess… yet.   Where is Demetrius and the other craftsmen, if you have a problem with these people, take them to the courts and deal with it in a lawful assembly.   This uproar today is a mess and nobody knows what happened.    Now go home  people!”

Hurray for the town clerk, a just and logical man no doubt familiar with the laws of ancient Greece, Rome!   My new biblical hero, someone who uses logic!  

Acts Chapter 18

Acts Chapter 18

After all of that Paul left Athens and came to Corinth.  He found a certain Jew named Aquila, born in Pontus coming form Italy with his wife Pricilla (Claudius had kicked all of the Jews out of Rome) and came to them.  Apparently they were on the same craft, and he stayed with them, they were tentmakers by trade.


Paul went and talked in the synagogue every Sabbath to persuade the Greeks and Jews. When Silas and Timotheus came from Macedonia, Paul was preaching in the spirit and trying to convert the Jews to be new little Christians.  But when the people didn’t want to be converted, and they blasphemed, and he shook his clothes and told them their blood was on their own heads.  Way to show compassion Paulie!  I am clean and from now on I am going to the gentiles.  So the Jew’s may be God’s chosen people but the gentiles are Paul’s chosen people.


So he left and went to a certain man named Justus’s house.  He  worshipped God and his house was closely joined to the synagogue. Crispus, the chief ruler of the synagogue believed in the lord along with his house and many of the Corinthians believed after hearing and were baptized.


The Lord spoke to Paul that night in a vision, saying “Don’t be afraid, but don’t hold your piece either.   I am with you, so no one can hurt you, because I’ve got a lot of people in this city.” Wow great important message from God there. So Paul stayed there for six months teaching the word of God.


When Gallio was the deputy o Achaia, the Jews formed an insurrection against Paul and brought him to the Judgment seat saying Paul persuades people to worship God contrary to the law.  Which is true, he does that. Paul tells him “If it were a matter of wrong, or wicked lewdness, O you Jews, then I would agree with you, but if it’s a matter o words and name, and your laws, then I won’t judge.”  And he drove them from the judgment seat.


Then all of the Greeks took Sosthenes, the chief ruler of the synagogue beat him before the judgment seat. Sheesh folks violence isn’t always the answer.  Maybe you should try talking ot the guy. And by the way Paul’s vision of God totally lied they just beat him I would say that hurts.  Gallio didn’t care for any of it.


After Paul stayed there a good while, he left his brethren and sailed to Syria with Pricilla and Aquila.  He cut his hair short in Cenchrea because he had a vow.  Then he went to Ephesus and let them there.   But he entered the synagogue and resoned with the Jews.  When they wanted him to stay with them, he decided to go and bid them farewell saying he must go to the feast in Jerusalem  But he’d come back to them if it was god’s will.  Then he sailed from Ephesus.


When he landed at Caesarea he went and saluted the church, and he went down to Antioch.  After he stayed there a while he left and went all over the country of Galatia and Phrygia to strengthen the disciples.


A certain Jew named Apollos born in Alexandria who was an eloquent man and strongly versed in the scriptures, came to Ephesus.  This guy was instructed in the way of the Lord, being fervent in the spirit, he spoke and taught the things of the Lord diligently, but he only knew the baptism of John.  He began speaking boldly in the synagogue, when Aquila and Pricilla heard they took to him and showed him the way of God more perfectly.  When he went to Achaia the brethren wrote so to encourage, the disciples to receive him, and he helped them with what they has believed through grace.  Because he was good at convincing the Jews and publicly showing the scriptures that proved Jesus was the Christ.

Acts Chapter 17

Acts Chapter 17

Now they had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica to the synagogue.  Paul went there and talked to them for three Sabbath days.   Oh look it’s a preview of his letters to the Thessalonians! He opened by pointing out “that Christ must needs have suffered” Thank you bible grammar!  Sorry I just really hate struggling through the poor grammar.  He pointed out that Christ has to have suffered and risen from the dead, and he was Jesus, I preach about him to you, he’s Christ.   Some of them believed and consorted with Paul and Silas and there were a lot of devout Greeks, including chief women. 

But the Jews didn’t believe, and were envious, they took up some of the lewd, baser sort, and gathered a group and set the city in a uproar.  They assaulted the house of Jason and tried to bring them out to the people.  Well it turns out they weren’t at Jason’s house.  So they grabbed Jason and certain brethren to the rulers of the city, saying the people who have turned the word upside down have come here. Jason took these guys in  even though Caesar didn’t want anyone to do that, and he says there is another king, Jesus. 

Well that troubled the people and the rulers of the city.  They let Jason go.  The brethren send Paul and Silas that night to Berea who went into the synagogue.

These were more noble than the people of Thessalonica, because they were ready to receive the word, and searched the scriptures daily to make sure it was true. Manhy of them believe, honorable Greek women and men.  The Jews of Thessalonica heard about Paul preaching at Berea so they came and stirred up the people.  So they sent Paul to go to the sea but Silas and Timotheus stayed there.

So Paul goes to Athens and sends for Silas and Timotheus to quickly come to Athens.  While he was waiting, Paul’s spirit was stirred, because the city was given idolatry.  He disputed with the Jews in the synagogue,  and with the devout people, and in the market with anyone who met him

Certain philosophers of the Epicureans and of the Stoics encountered him.  Some of them asked “What will this babbler say?”  Others thought that he was setting forth strang gods, because he preached about JC and the resurrection.  They took him to Areopagus asking to see the new doctrine. “You talk about strange things, we want to know what it means.”(because all of the Athenians and strangers who spend their time in nothing else, except to hear something new)

Paulie stood in the middle of Mars’s hill and said “ You men of Athens, I see that you are too superstitious about everything.  As I passed by and saw your devotions, I found alter with and inscription TO THE UNKNOWN GOD.  You idiots worship him!  And unknown god!  God who made the world and everything  in it, seeing that he’s the Lord of heaven and earth, doesn’t dwell in temples made with hands, neither is worshipped with men’s hands, as if he needed anything, he gave life and breath to all things!  And he made one blood of all the nations o man who dwell on the face of the earth, and had determined their time on earth and they should seek the Lord, he’s not far from us and the people who find him are happy.”

“Because we live and move and are beings, like the poets say, we are his offspring, and as his offspring, we shouldn’t think that the Godhead is like gold or silver or graven by art and man’s device”

That had to have been a tough sell to the Greeks who were a little bit famous for their fancy art and gorgeous carving abilities.  Anyway what does god have against artists?  Is he jealous because they want to create things too?

“God used to wink at your ignorance but now he commands everyone to repent!  He has appointed a day  that he will judge the world in righteousness by the men he’s ordained, he’s given assurance to all men, they he raised him (JC I assume) from the dead.”  When they heard about the reserection of the dead, some of them mocked him and others said they would listen to it again.  So Paul left them. But certain folk followed him like Dionysius the Areopagite, and a woman named Damaris.